u/cloudNin3-

It takes two steps to get into a room.
To change, you must die. Then, you must be reborn.
Two steps. Or three?

It takes two fangs to make a vampire.
Or maybe more? Or maybe less?
Who knows, truly?

He can never say it directly to my face.
Or maybe he can. Who knows?

I have no idea what’s going on.
Or maybe, I fucking absolutely do, maybe?

One door opens, another closes.
The environment can bring about anything in anybody.

Nature vs nurture

Maybe, sometimes….

I guess it depends on who you are. Both win.

It’s both.

In the tension of words unspoken.
The truth lay bare, untamed, and open.
My hearts true voice.
Secrecy denied.
I cannot hide.
And I do not want to.

In this space, our hearts exist.
As natural as birdsong sung.
In this space I create his sanctuary.

An island.
The trees stand tall, securing safety.
The song of leaves. They embrace each other.
Where pollen falls like dandelion kisses.
Where in summertime, lays fuzzy snow.

I open this world out to you. Not to bite, maim, cheat or steal you. If you wander your way on over. I’ll remain still, sturdy, and gentle. To only provide a place to rest your head. I’ll tell you again what I’ve always said.

You are beautiful.

I’ll allow you to prove me wrong. And I’ll give you the opportunity to prove me right. Your head on my lap. And my hands in your hair. And I’ll say it again. To remind you of what I saw. And to show you who you could be.

A hero. In my wildest dreams. Fighting monsters. And saving the day. Because you are my sanctuary too.

Three words. eight letters.

In my wildest dreams. You are you.

The way that I see you may never change. And the words I've said still remain true. When we met, I needed saving. You were the reason I left Jaiden. That might not be such a big deal. But you can be proud of that, even if that is a small feat. You taught me what I truly valued in a man. And it's true that I lost myself along the way. But I think I've finally found peace. I will get lost again, like I often do. But now, I live with this deep, genuine trust. You might not understand how or why. But through everything, I managed to find true, honest, and genuine faith. And that is something that keeps me strong. Stronger than I have ever been.

I don't owe you the truth, but if you're here to listen, I'll tell it. Probably over and over and over again.

I loved you from across the room. Right where you were at. Without ever needing you to step over. You didn't need to be my hero. You didn't need to be my lover. You didn't need to be some grand story. You just were. And it was something so simple. So easy. As easy as just listening to your voice.

And I could spend a century loving you from just right here. Without ever holding you. Without ever truly knowing you. Because I loved you right where you were at. From across the room. And I'm happy to admire you, from just right here. Just to simply and only admire.

I've realized that my view and all that it ever was, was enough.

Who knows what'll happen? It's my hope that you find the woman (or man) that you belong with. It's my hope that you find your home. Your sanctuary. You don't owe me anything. I move forward holding all this love. Until someone comes along and changes my mind. I won't wait for you. And I will never try to be the woman who is right for you. I will always be truly and genuinely me. Regardless. I appreciate you. And I might not revisit this place for a while. Because after all this time...

You are so very very distracting. Focus. Damn. Ugh. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Everything is weird.

I overindulged. In more ways than one. You have been woven into my life, but that love is so sickeningly sweet. You deserve better than that. I found something better than that. And if you are still here, I respect you. You can rest easy. Today, my heart is a little more clear. Less dreamy. More real.

It is still true that you are beautiful. But I respect you. You deserve better than that.

There is no diving in and losing control. There is no getting lost in a twisted hunger. Not anymore. I respect you. And if these feelings are true, I’ll honor you by keeping your name in only reverence.

Haha. Good word.

I admired your clarity. Learning is fun when your heart flutters. I always worked to keep myself restrained. Lately, it’s been tough. I’m sure you’re tired of apologies. But you deserve them anyway.

My emotions are not a burden, but a gift. If I were to fall in this way for anyone, I’d do it for you. And you know that I have never expected anything from you. That is why it feels so special to me. Because I could carry this love forever without ever having to fully know your name.

I don’t know your favorite hobbies. I don’t know what movies you like. I will probably never know your world. But everything I do know… everything I have known, I’ve loved.

In the back of my mind, I hear the idea that emotions as big as mine should be justified by something grand. But I refuse. I disobey. I rebel. And for something as small as what we had, I will continue to love you. Because it was enough. The smallest, tiniest bit was enough for me. Enough to put desire, longing, admiration, and love into your name. Maybe some would not call it love, but I do not care. I’ll do it anyway. And if that’s something you do not want, I’ll hide it all and bury it. But it won’t die. It’ll live on, piled up on my shoulders and weighing down on my heart. But that kind of weight is something I cherish. No matter how complicated or heavy it is.

You have already saved me once. And I might have been a little screw loose at the time. But you gave me a good reason to leave. You helped me. And you have already saved me once.

I’m strong. I trust that voice that tells me that I am capable. I will continue to fight this battle. The battle of the mind and heart and of everything in between. I’m not weak. I will survive. Because I refuse. If you wish to stay, I will not push you. And if you wanted to be my hero, I would let you. If you witness me, I will not shy away. I will give you a show. A pretty good fucking show. So try me. You know what I do.

I am going to do exactly what I have set out to do. And you can sit and fucking. Watch.

If you’ve been here long enough, you know how I am.

I have spent my whole life fighting things alone. Abandoned. Lost. Neglected. Misunderstood. And abused.

I want to be strong enough. Fast enough. Brave enough. I want the ability to save myself. To finally achieve normal. Or to be someone that the world doesn’t look at in disgust. With that posh upturned nose.

I don’t know what your intentions are. But I think, for you… if you wanted. You could be my hero.

The cat is out of the bag. It’s not quite dead. And it’s not quite alive. It’s just very very chaotic.

Hokum.

Some of those scenes had brought memories that I had lived. And I told him, “this one isn’t going to have a happy ending.” And the movie defied me as if to say, “not all stories have bad endings.”

I have never cried so much for a horror movie. It reminded me that I have earned my forgiveness. I held my neck out to be bludgeoned. And the universe saw that I was worth more than that.

Read me like an open book. I have nothing to hide. Never. I refuse to be anyone or anything pretty or delicate for anyone. What you see is what you get. I will not change myself so that you will desire me. I refuse.

In this life, I have held many loves. But my favorite one is the one that goes silently with no expectation to be fulfilled at all. It feels like a gift to carry. Because you never needed to be anything more than what you were. And that is enough.

And that is something that I constantly feel. I find genuine disgust when men approach me. I realize how sad that might be. I just find it simply exhausting. Because I know what happened the last time. And the last. And before that.

I keep you alive in my conversations. I preserve my memories in your absence.

I saw a man that looked like you. And he crept just within the border of truth and fantasy. Was he? Or was he not? And so, I live in a world where both are true.

It is fun to traverse the unknown. To think and to ponder.

All the ways that I have seen you. And I have yet to know the truth. And that is where my imagination creates the most fruitful plays.

The threat of your blade tastes…

It says more about me than it does you.
But I think the world forgets how beautiful men can be.

I want to tell it like an old story.

It was instant.
The very moment my eyes clicked to his presence. But I think I found most of my love In his voice.
Clear. Powerful, yet soft.

I look back and still can’t find anything to hate.

There is so much weight in that word. Easy.
Because falling for you may have been the easiest thing I have ever done. Not because my heart is so easy to buy, but because you are…

Simply beautiful

Men can be beautiful

I couldn’t have been more right. That day, after I ran out the door. “I want you” played on my cars radio. Consider it prophetic. And I couldn’t have been more right.

Because through the next months, I became completely mad. I spiraled down into utter lunacy. Five days after my 23rd birthday, I drove my car into a concrete wall. I completely smashed it. For reasons I hope you never know. And they diagnosed me with bipolar I.

I didn’t expect for it all to get so out of control. Throughout all of it, all I wanted was to do the right thing. To hide myself away. To protect my family. To protect my friends. And to protect you.

I’m sorry. For how I was. For the way I looked at you. I spend a lot of my time trying to make up for it all. For how I am. For who I am.

A stain on pure things. Misfortune.
A black cat. A white rabbit with no lucky feet. Stumbling into the lives of good people and breaking hearts along the way.

It feels good to be forgotten. I hope that you forget.

I think of you every single day. And I still find that old story in everything. All you needed to do was exist in the same room. And I tell myself that I never needed anything more than that. I don’t. And I don’t want anything more. It is enough.

Sometimes the best love story is the one that doesn’t happen at all.

I consider it an honor to have a heart that beats. Especially when it yearns for a man like you.

You were right.
I love the pain in my legs when I run.

But, I also love the sun.
Sunburns are her kisses.
I love the heat. I love the sweat.
When she’s out, I want to run until the sweat drips down into my eyes.
That rewarding sting.
When she’s out, I want to run until I cry.
My tears satisfy the wilderness in my bones.

I make love with the rain.
Each drop, his kiss.
Today, the rain came cold.
Dripping down. Taking all over.
That is a feeling that I crave.
He flirts in the thunder.
The fear of being struck is so exhilarating.
It’s a risk I am willing to take just to be close.

My favorite song. optimistic.
I feel that wilderness in it.

Despite how I’ve tried to break my heart
There is so much romance in what I do

I’ve pulled myself all in. Control.

But that wild still lives.

I bite.