Don't get me wrong, this sub has excellent material and is like a support for everyone that's going through this. Ppl cheering up others in the comments and everything.
But at times it feels like oh there is no end to this and it only gets worse?!
Caregiving since childhood. To my brother, to my dad, to my mom, to my dad again, then again to my mom. Just when i thought i can finally breathe, another family member needs care.
My own brother is going back on his words of helping out. Blaming me for all the misfortune that fell on the family, purely based on some stupid superstitions.
Life feels meaningless. I dont feel like trusting anyone anymore.
My mum developed sudden and severe hallucinations, delusions and paranoia. Its been 4 months now. She is under treatment, which is working but not fully. Her medication is being adjusted every 2-3 weeks. She still has on and off hallucinations, her delusions and paranoia are still strong.
This keeps me on an high alert mode 24x7 even when she is sleeping. I am mostly confined to the house. Keeping the grocery runs to under 10 mins. There is no one else to help me out with taking care of her. I cannot hire a professional help because of her delusion.
This constant stress is starting to show in my health and behaviour now. I can see visible changes in the work I do, not the way i take care of her, but the way I clean the house, etc., I have also been recently laid off, so no distracting myself with office work. I no longer workout, run, cycle or swim. Even talking to a friend feels exhausting. I find myself aimlessly scrolling through YouTube, listening with only one earphones so that I can still keep a tab on Mum. Deep sleep is non existent because mum keeps waking up in distress of voices/cries in sleep.
Been the family's punching bag, caregiver ever since my childhood. First to my brother, then to my dad, then to my mom, then to my dad again(dad passed away after this), now again to my mom(parkinkson's with mild symptoms)
Got laid off last year, I thought I would take a break to sort out my life, enjoy the time for myself, travel a bit before landing the next job. Universe seemed to have a different plan.
Docs started Dopamine medication for mom in Jan, she seemed fine at first but developed severe and sudden psychosis in march. All the offending medicines stopped and anti-psychosis started. She was also hospitalized immediately after this for severe sodium crash(she became unconscious in 30 mins) for a week.
I was able to manage the peak of the psychosis when she was hearing voices 24x7, peak delusions and strong paranoia. I didnot get a continuous sleep even for 30 mins, taking care of her heightened delusions and paranoia. I could not even step out for 5 mins at a time, could not hire professional help because of her delusions. Brother was of no help as he lives far away with his family. I never ask anyone for help, but this time I asked my brother for help and immediately got reminded of why not to ask for help. Asked him to come stay for sometime when mom was hospitalized for sodium crash during which time her antipsychosis medication was stopped in suspect of causing the sodium crash. He finally did come, but wanted to leave as soon as she gets discharged. I asked him to stay for a few more days as her psychosis rebounded, he blamed it all on me and downplayed mom's psychosis as something that can be easily manageable. He blamed me for not being spiritual, and my stress of handling mom's psychosis on me being unmarried. He said if I was married, I would have had an emotional support to handle this.
He finally agreed to stay for 3 more days, He didn't understand psychosis, got irritated by mom and directly started telling her that all of that is in her head which obviously agitated her. I even caught him in deep sleep while mom was frantically searching for house keys to get out. All of this was happening when mom had zero trust on me, like she didn't even want me in the same room, wont speak to me. He left after 3 days. So its just me, mom, sleepless nights and restless days.
After the antipsychosis adjustment last week, she is doing far better now, like from 24x7 psychosis to a few flare ups a day that are easily groundable now. From not trusting me to trusting me now.
Its been 3 months, now sometime even her occasional flare ups which I know are easily groundable seems daunting. At times, I feel I myself am causing or escalating her small flareups now.
Maybe I should have been more alert to notice subtle changes in her behavior early on after dopamine medication was introduced. Now I do not know if this was medication induced or it simply unmasked an underlying condition. May be it would not have been this worse had I noticed it early on.
I know the worst part is behind already, but sometimes I feel I am at my wit's end. At those times, all the way I was ill treated/taken for granted by mom or dad or brother flashes in my head. I never shared anything personal with anyone, not even to my close friends, so just the thought of calling someone over phone to just casually talk makes me, I dont know, vulnerable? like even a simple hi, hello from a familiar voice would break me down completely.
I have done physical caregiving to my family all my life, but this one broke me. Seeing mom loose herself. I am sure I can handle this as well, but sometimes all I need is someone's presence with me when I am at my wit's end. You know just a silent presence for just 5 or 10 mins when I am loosing it all.
Been the family's punching bag, caregiver ever since my childhood. First to my brother, then to my dad, then to my mom, then to my dad again(dad passed away after this), now again to my mom(parkinkson's with mild symptoms)
Got laid off last year, I thought I would take a break to sort out my life, enjoy the time for myself, travel a bit before landing the next job. Universe seemed to have a different plan.
Docs started Dopamine medication for mom in Jan, she seemed fine at first but developed severe and sudden psychosis in march. All the offending medicines stopped and anti-psychosis started. She was also hospitalized immediately after this for severe sodium crash(she became unconscious in 30 mins) for a week.
I was able to manage the peak of the psychosis when she was hearing voices 24x7, peak delusions and strong paranoia. I didnot get a continuous sleep even for 30 mins, taking care of her heightened delusions and paranoia. I could not even step out for 5 mins at a time, could not hire professional help because of her delusions. Brother was of no help as he lives far away with his family. I never ask anyone for help, but this time I asked my brother for help and immediately got reminded of why not to ask for help. Asked him to come stay for sometime when mom was hospitalized for sodium crash during which time her antipsychosis medication was stopped in suspect of causing the sodium crash. He finally did come, but wanted to leave as soon as she gets discharged. I asked him to stay for a few more days as her psychosis rebounded, he blamed it all on me and downplayed mom's psychosis as something that can be easily manageable. He blamed me for not being spiritual, and my stress of handling mom's psychosis on me being unmarried. He said if I was married, I would have had an emotional support to handle this.
He finally agreed to stay for 3 more days, He didn't understand psychosis, got irritated by mom and directly started telling her that all of that is in her head which obviously agitated her. I even caught him in deep sleep while mom was frantically searching for house keys to get out. All of this was happening when mom had zero trust on me, like she didn't even want me in the same room, wont speak to me. He left after 3 days. So its just me, mom, sleepless nights and restless days.
After the antipsychosis adjustment last week, she is doing far better now, like from 24x7 psychosis to a few flare ups a day that are easily groundable now. From not trusting me to trusting me now.
Its been 3 months, now sometime even her occasional flare ups which I know are easily groundable seems daunting. At times, I feel I myself am causing or escalating her small flareups now.
Maybe I should have been more alert to notice subtle changes in her behavior early on after dopamine medication was introduced. Now I do not know if this was medication induced or it simply unmasked an underlying condition. May be it would not have been this worse had I noticed it early on.
I know the worst part is behind already, but sometimes I feel I am at my wit's end. At those times, all the way I was ill treated/taken for granted by mom or dad or brother flashes in my head. I never shared anything personal with anyone, not even to my close friends, so just the thought of calling someone over phone to just casually talk makes me, I dont know, vulnerable? like even a simple hi, hello from a familiar voice would break me down completely.
I have done physical caregiving to my family all my life, but this one broke me. Seeing mom loose herself. I am sure I can handle this as well, but sometimes all I need is someone's presence with me when I am at my wit's end. You know just a silent presence for just 5 or 10 mins when I am loosing it all.