I need to hear that I'm not faking
Sorry to put this on you guys, but I don't know where else I could ask for support.
I have always felt like a bit of a fraud and been very self conscious of having these seizures. I have been able to handle it though by talking myself through it, reading up on the disease and reminding myself about the nature of them, and giving and receiving support here.
Lately I have been really doubting myself. And I don't know if I'm projecting my doubts on my friends and family or if the vibe really has changed. But now I am really afraid of having seizures in front of ANYONE. I also feel very ashamed and like a failure when I have one.
It doesn't help that I have managed to learn how to better suppress the seizures for later. I've learned that if I just don't relax, I can hold off a seizure most of the time. I know that's how they work, but it makes me feel terrible, like I am doing them for attention. By myself in my bed. While not telling anyone.
It really sucks, because I'm just doing my best to live my life. I'm divorced now and a single mom, so I have to find a way to keep my life running for my kids and me. And I've done that, I've managed to learn to hold off the seizures until I can have them safely and privately, most of the time.
It comes with a price though. When I do that, I tend to have worse seizures when I do finally lie down and relax my body. And the whole time, I do my best, but lately every seizure comes with a huge amount of shame and . . . self bullying?
And the fact that I almost always have bad seizures for two or three days after the kids go to their dad's also makes me worry that maybe this really is all in my head, maybe I secretly do want attention or something, even though I never tell people unless I am too sick and need help with the basics.
And I feel so ashamed when I get that sick, asking for help is the absolute LAST thing I want to do, but I have pets that need looking after, and even though I would rather lie on my floor for 24 hours or until I can get up and resume life, I can't do that to my pets, so I ask for help even though it's humiliating. But then I feel horrible after.
And to be really really clear, someone has always come to help. They have never complained, they have been cheerful and helpful. I don't know why I am feeling worried that they think I'm faking. It's probably a me thing. But I can't shake this horrible feeling.
Thanks for reading this far. Any advice would be appreciated ❤️