u/dj68john

I had been having mostly positive experiences, with little or no after effects. Today I felt compelled to journal (I don’t always) and I don’t read it until I have my full faculties back.

The journal entry today was a shocker, I really didn’t know where this was coming from, but it got dark really quick.

Let me preface this with 1. I am safe 2. I have a safety plan, and 3. These are my thoughts, I don’t have a plan for any self-harm.

Trigger warning

This is exactly what I wrote, no edits, except to type into my phone.

What I am struggling with most is turning away from bad/risky things. Also, what is the point? I look for God and there’s a deep chasm. I don’t see anything. I’m not enlightened.
My worry here is that I won’t ever get past this. What’s the point? Shouldn’t I just give up? It’s not a woe is me type of feeling. It’s just that I’m exhausted there isn’t any value. I don’t care and I don’t want to care. I tried to make a mark I didn’t I’m done. There’s no emotion around it. I don’t feel hurt. I feel nothing.
I don’t know if being happy is an act, I think it is just another play on the stage. I’ve done so many, I don’t want to act anymore! But if I become selfish, I ruin my life, so I avoid, I fade.
Better to burn out like an ember, than to explode violently. I don’t know. I feel I’ve been tortured enough.
My health, my heart, my appearance, my weight, my skin, all used up.
Can anyone help me? Alcohol can’t I know that. This doesn’t work it just makes me angry and irritable. I can’t receive love, truly. I can’t love anything at all. I obsess for a reward, then I am irritated and hell to live with if I don’t get my way. If I go to jail maybe someone will fuck me, no one out here wants to.
I can be the most articulate person, but there isn’t a no substance, nothing behind, just words and actions, like a trained monkey I know what yo say to make you do what I want.
I want to be left alone, no confrontations, no anything.
How much is too much? I think I found the breaking point, I don’t want any more.
Easier to … than live.
I don’t have it figured out, and I can’t figure it out, it’s too much effort.
Stay grey until you fade to black . 

I’m meeting with my therapist tomorrow. I also sent to my treating psychiatrist. Has anyone had this type of experience? I have had SI before, but this one is tough for me.

Thanks for reading.

I(54m) have over 20 years of major depressive disorder and anxiety, not relieved by an ever circulating pool of SSRIs, SNRIs, anti anxiety meds, accompanied by CBT. I also did rTMS this year as well, which provided no relief.

I had my first treatment yesterday. I walked in a little nervous, not knowing exactly what to expect, even though I researched the experiences of others.

Here are my first impressions. The onset of the floaty disassociating feeling was about ten minutes after the second set of sprays. The dark room with cool lights helped the disassociation and the feeling lasted about an hour.

I still had limited access to my faculties during the time. The disassociation I likened to being on nitrous oxide at dental appointments over the years (now I find they are researching N2O as another off-label to work like esketamine, as it binds to the same receptors and activates the same neuroplasticity.

I came to the first session just to experience it, and understand what was going to happen. I didn’t have any specific trauma or internal mental struggles i was planning to explicitly address in the session. That worked and I made it through without anxiety or high BP.

The results are yet to be known, but for my session next week I intend to consciously set an intention to explore my memories. They were manifesting as a very rapid slide show in the first session.

Tips for others:

Go to the bathroom before, even if you don’t feel like it. I had to interrupt the session which kinda sucked and brought me out of the experience.

Remember to blink, I stared at my happy hallucinations a little too much, causing my eyes to get dry.

Music is important. If you have any lyrics, make sure they are calming, otherwise you might freak out, I ended up skipping some of my playlist tracks cuz of lyrics.

I am sober and in a recovery program for over 20 years. Don’t let anyone deny you healing in the name of AA, NA, or any other program. The “Big Book” has reference to medical and psychiatric consultation for problems other than what recovery provides a solution. Anyone who shuns someone is clearly not living the principles, and they are human, subject to the fallibility we all have.

I hope this is helpful. I’m looking forward to the healing relief for me that this treatment has brought so many.