At what point is suicidal ideation concerning?
F25
My dad got hit by a car three weeks ago. It’s awful, but he’ll be OK - but the financial toll on my family is hard as well.
Before incident: I had alcohol misuse, some prescription drug misuse, functional difficulties (executive function most likely).
I have felt for last year in escalation that life is functionally over due to worsened, severe executive functioning issues that now leave me disabled. Went from having a few things in my life to focus on and strive for, to no desire or mental ability to do these things (not depressed).
Since incident: I’ve had worsened alcohol misuse, worsened functional issues, worsened taking care of self (dirty hair and clothes), worsened prescription drug abuse (resolved now)
I drink two every drinks per day and take Adderall. Since the stress of the event, I’ve been getting chest pain and constant thumping heartbeat. I was glad this was happening and secretly hoped I’d die suddenly.
Erratic behavior followed from worsened alcohol misuse (weird texts, embarassing professional group chats, exploding at a peer over past event my mind connected to the incident [gave away a piece of furniture peer subsequently threw out that my dad could now use]).
Last weekend, conflict occurred with mother (basically blamed me for incident because dad was on way to see me when he as hit) - severe escalation in alcohol misuse.
At this time, had overwhelming desire to consume as much prescription medication as possible and die, but was too drunk to move / immobilized and could not get pills.
Frequent crying this weekend, drinking constantly, unwell.
Now: drinking has improved, did small load of laundry finally. However, feeling glad / comforted by chest pain and thumping persists. Plan to take pills if father ends up getting worse, but no concrete plan to take them otherwise (but not feeling notably confident about sustaining this).
History: pseudo attempts / gestures x 4 (3 in one week almost resulting in death), last “attempt” 2024.
Contested criss line today but found it largely unhelpful.
Obviously I’d like to not have this get worse as I don’t want to cause family additional stress.