The Goaltenders:

Sergei Bobrovsky= JS Giguere

Old veteran former cup champions from sunny non-traditional markets. Hail Mary to try and save the goaltending

Anthony Stolarz= Vesa Toskala

Perennial backups who had good numbers with their former teams and behind an elite Russian goaltender, but can’t handle the pressure of a full time starter role

Arturs Akhtyamov= Jonas Gustavsson

The new hot international goalies that fans put too much hope into after success outside the NHL

The Defenseman:

Darren Raddysh= Mike Komisarek

Right shot defensemen coming off career years with a divisional rival that we signed to a long term and high AAV contract

Emil Andrae= Ian White

Youngish and small puck moving defensemen with a little offensive upside but are best as a bottom pair guy

Oliver Ekman-Larsson= Francois Beauchemin

Veteran blueliners that played most of their career in the pacific division and still have some game left despite their age. But are too heavily relied upon to be completely effective

Jake McCabe= Dion Phaneuf

Our tough-nose defensemen that throw their weight around. Both are expected to play too many minutes for their skill level and never really live up to the offensive numbers that they’re capable of with their hard slap shot

Chris Tanev= Luke Schenn

Shot blocking and hitting machines that play too many minutes and love to chip the puck out instead of passing

Morgan Rielly= Tomas Kaberle

Long time puck moving Leaf that’s passed their prime, doesn’t shoot from the point, and needs to move on (and win a cup with Boston)

Troy Stetcher= Jeff Finger

Offensively minded defensemen that will play half the games as people hold their breath every time they touch the puck

The Forwards:

Auston Matthews= Phil Kessel

American born snipers that have a lot of expectations and amazing shooting skills but they don’t seem to care too much. Matthews loves hot girls, Kessel loves hot dogs.

William Nylander= Mikhael Grabovski

Highly skilled forward that have a lot of talent but seem checked out a lot of games and should have more points than they do if they had more effort/consistency

Matthew Knies= Aleksei Ponikarovsky

Power forwards that need to use their size and go to the net more but still put in an honest effort

Gavin McKenna= Tyler Bozak

Rookies out of US college that are expected to do too much too soon (a stretch I know…)

John Tavares= Matt Stajan

Two Ontario boys that are good on the draw and are the true leader of the team

Jack Roslovic= Nikolai Kulemin

Skilled wingers that often try to be too fancy and are inconsistent in their games. But still can put up 20 goals and are a decent second powerplay option

Easton Cowan= John Mitchell

Young Ontario-born players every Leafs fan thinks is going to be better than they are but they’re just a decent third/fourth line option

Colton Sissons= Lee Stempniak

Overpaid bottom six two-way forwards that kills penalties and can score 10-15 goals

Max Domi= Niklas Hagman

Undersized power forwards with lots of skill who are very inconsistent and are often injured

Teddy Blueger= Jason Blake

Hard working and tenacious players that can take the occasional draw and can move up and down the lineup

Dakota Joshua= Jamal Mayers

Big black bottom six power forwards that can skate well, love to dump and chase, and have stone hands

Nick Paul= Wayne Primeau

Veteran faceoff and defensive specialists who can still skate decent despite size and age. Both have famous brothers. Wayne is related to long time NHLer Keith Primeau, while Nick is related to both Logan and Jake.

Colton Orr= Brandon Duhaime

The PIM specialist and goon of the team

Conclusion:

We’re going to suck…

*Yes, some of these players never actually played together as some were traded or traded for mid-season (the Phaneuf and Giguere deals) but I felt these matched up best