How do you stop criticism from consuming you?
I started a new job about a month ago in Talent Acquisition + People/HRBP at a retail company. I came into it really hopeful. I genuinely thought this could be a positive change for me professionally.
But right now, I feel completely overwhelmed.
The person training me previously had my role and was promoted, so I’m taking over from her. She isn’t my manager, but she knows the role very well and has been responsible for most of my onboarding, so her opinion has ended up carrying a huge amount of weight.
There also seems to be a staffing/structure issue in the department. Different people are covering different areas, and there isn’t really one clear person setting overall expectations and priorities. Because of that, she has naturally become my main reference point for what “good” looks like.
The onboarding was an enormous amount of information in a very short period of time. I have ADHD, and I know I can struggle with processing and retaining huge amounts of information, especially when I’m also trying very hard to make a good impression.
And I think that’s where things have started going wrong.
I feel like I’m constantly being evaluated.
If I ask something I’ve already been told, I’m told I should have remembered or taken better notes. If I don’t ask and make a mistake, obviously that’s a problem too. If I take time to make sure something is correct, I worry I’m being seen as slow. If I act independently, I’m scared of making the wrong decision.
I’ve been told things like I should gather all the information I already have before asking questions, that I’m not listening or taking things down, and that if I freeze, things simply don’t get done.
I understand the underlying point. I’m new, but I’m also an experienced professional. I need to become autonomous, and I absolutely have things to improve.
But emotionally, something has happened that really worries me: I’m becoming scared of making mistakes.
At one point I actually froze for around three days over an Excel/data issue because I was terrified of publishing something incorrectly.
And I know this is not sustainable.
I know perfection doesn’t exist. I know people make mistakes. I know sometimes you have to make a reasonable decision with incomplete information and move on.
But when you’re constantly worried that every mistake might become another example of why you’re not autonomous, don’t listen properly or don’t retain information, it becomes really difficult to just… work.
Today I completely broke down and cried to a colleague because I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. And afterwards I kept thinking about something she said: maybe I should also ask myself whether this is actually the kind of environment or way of working I want.
That question hit me hard because I’ve had difficulties in different jobs before. So I’m also trying to be honest with myself: is there a pattern here that I need to work on?
Maybe I struggle too much with ambiguity. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. Maybe criticism hits me harder than it should. Maybe I need to learn how to tolerate being wrong without feeling like it means I’m incompetent.
I really want to learn how to do that.
So I’m especially interested in hearing from people with ADHD:
How do you stop criticism from consuming you?
How do you deal with ambiguity without freezing?
How do you stop perfectionism becoming paralysis?
How do you remind yourself that making a mistake doesn’t mean you’re bad at your job?
And there’s another thing I’m seriously considering: having an uncomfortable conversation with the person training me.
Not a confrontation. More something like: “I understand your feedback and I know I need to improve, but I’ve noticed that I’m becoming increasingly afraid of making mistakes, and that’s actually making it harder for me to become autonomous. I need clearer and more concrete feedback about what you want me to do differently.”
Would you have that conversation?
I’m not looking for people to tell me to quit or report her. I’m genuinely trying to understand how to handle this, especially with ADHD, without losing confidence in myself.
Because I don’t want my entire professional self-worth to depend on whether one person thinks I’m good enough.
I want to learn the job, develop my own judgement, accept that I will make mistakes, and eventually feel like myself again at work.
If you’ve been through something similar, what actually helped you?