IM FREEEE
After two years working under a very abusive supervisor, I am finally free. Two years of literal psychological torture. I worked as a case manager for a large nonprofit and complained to every person that supervised her. I cried, filed complaints, and even snapped at her multiple times when she pushed me to the absolute edge (I don't regret any of it). I had a large caseload and provided excellent care to all of my clients. So much so that they all cried when I told them I was leaving and we had to say our goodbyes 😭 Genuinely heartbreaking and I'm still processing it. I worked so damn hard and was constantly met with endless questioning and suspicion, "where are you??" messages when my calendar had my exact location and times for field visits, and constantly doubting my competence and intelligence. I'm worried that I won't be there to advocate for clients. But I also know I cant serve them when I am suffering myself.
After a month into the role, I realized I couldnt trust her judgement. I was given guidance to say and do things to clients who were very mentally ill. Things that would deeply disrupt and destabilize their lives. I was told to lie, both big lies and little white lies. I always ignored the advice and did the opposite of what she said. The way she viewed Severe Mental Illness made my skin crawl. I even came out to her when she was passing severe judgement on a queer client. I'll never forget the shock on her face - it was worth it, even if she treated me differently for it. Don't even get me started on her racism.
We all know companies hire abusive nitwits as supervisors because they are easily manipulated and hold their workers hostage. Win win. I cried almost every week from the constant badgering and inhumane treatment towards clients and my colleagues. Many folks left under her and I know they all shared my exact same complaints. She was so disorganized and constantly pointed fingers at her team while we were drowning with high caseloads some of the most tragic situations.
We have a serious problem in our society (U.S. and I know many others) with pushing abuse under the rug. Saying "oh its not intentional, its just who they are." I never let things slide, as I am happily confrontational. And no matter how much I advocated for change, it didnt make a difference. These past two years feel like they took a decade off my life.
But I will never lose my fire. It reminded me how far we have to go, how we are the literal bridge of resources to folks who society wants dead. Even in nonprofits that are "supposed" to be that life raft. I held my head high, even until the last day when she said "I'm sorry if I ever was mean or rude to you." I looked at her, said "thank you" and walked away. Never let a shitty boss make you forget your purpose. Remind yourself who you're there to serve and concentrate on the connections you're building. And make some good trouble along the way.
I am so lucky that my next position is with an amazing org that has high retention and a lot of respect in the community. And I am so excited to continue this path of transformation and hope alongside clients.