u/evolve_-_

I need to ask someone to see. I feel so lost about it. Is it a compulsion if I write it out here so that other people can relate? I feel like what I did was bad and that I will never be the same. My mind is telling me that I cannot come back from this even though I think I deserve to be forgiven eventually. The person that was involved I cannot contact to get reassurance from so it makes things so much worse. How have others approached making amends when someone tells you not to?

I have had health anxiety / OCD symptoms off and on for most of my adult life. This past year, I had a massive panic attack and it seemed to send me into an obsessive loot spiral about some past events. One event just sticks with me 24/7 almost a year later. I have confessed my wrong doings to this person. What I did was wrong but I have been forgiven. I have confessed to other people who told me I should have never said anything or confessed in the first place. However, the guilt and shame seem to be with me all the time and it seems like I'm not sure if it is warranted or not. My mind is constantly replaying the event, searching for every detail, labeling myself things I'm not, etc. Seems really black and white thinking and I'm just a little lost. Feels like this is something I am going to feel for the rest of my life and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My OCD therapist tells me its OCD of course, but sometimes Im not so sure. How do I see through the lies that my brain is telling me without reacting to them? Any advise is greatly appreciated.