This is really long and I’m so sorry but I just want to feel seen. To someone. F-23 W 214 H- 5’2 PCOS
Hello, I just wanted to say first off that I don’t even know what I’m doing on here. I guess it’s a desperate attempt for advice even though i’m the type of person who has tried everything and is hesitant to try again, kinda. I reached out to a crisis hotline for binge eating disorders last week because I was sitting on my couch just crying and i genuinely had no other idea what to do.
For context: I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food, ever. My father weighed 400+ pounds and got a gastric bypass and I grew up and watched him push his food ideologies to us. I have 8 siblings and for every meal it was, “if you want seconds you have to hurry up and eat or the boys will eat it all first.” Well I was the only one in sports at the time, volleyball, track, and powerlifting, so of course I needed to eat. I learned to shovel food down my mouth and get seconds so I had enough to eat as the portions they gave us were always so little. They also had locks on the pantry and fridge doors at the time too so getting food any other wasn’t an option.
On the flip side at my mom’s house she had 7 kids and still weighed under 120, type 1 diabetes too. So she always had an obsession with food in general to watch her diabetes but also she was fat phobic. TW: I’ve watched her threaten herself numerous times because she was so fat. I was 16 and 140 at the time when she was 114. It’s just a lot. She constantly tried to put me on diets and it just got too much.
For the record I’ve always been athletic and we owned a ranch so I was outside doing something every day and I liked that. I still like it now. I work out like once or twice a week, ride my bike, go on walks with my dog and son daily but I don’t diet. I do have it implemented in me that I need to eat healthy so I don’t really eat junk food, maybe biweekly if we’re out and about, and i’m too poor to eat out.
I just cannot look at food. I can’t. If i see it i’m going to eat it and I hate it so much. It’s not binge eating like everything in my pantry but genuinely making 4-6 full meals a day (I also will sometimes make myself throw up just so I can cook another meal because I love cooking and food is amazing). I say oh this sounds so good, and I just make it. I just eat and then I never feel hungry and I don’t feel full. It’s gotten to a point where i cannot sit at the same dinner table as my son because I cannot stop myself from eating his food. I always have to serve him another plate or something because I end up eating 1/2 of his first plate.
The only time I actually was able to control my binge eating was when I was working 2 jobs and lived by myself and genuinely only ever ate ground beef and potatoes cause that’s all I would buy. I lost 40 pounds in 2 months doing that. (I know it’s not healthy) But I am unable to do that anymore as it’s not nutrient dense enough for my son and I know that if i cook him some food I won’t be able to not eat it.
Recently my mother bought me semaglutide and I used it for about a month and lost 6 pounds. To me it’s not worth it, the side effects made me feel horrible and every time I had to remind myself that I wasn’t strong enough to lose the weight myself, it wouldn’t help.
I don’t know what to do. I want to change but at the same time I don’t care enough about myself to do something about it. I’m a stay at home mom and a full time college student. My fiancé is no help as he just starves at work cause he’s a bartender and can’t eat and then pigs out with me when he gets home.
I feel like I’m just playing the victim. I am in control of my body I’m just too tired to care. I feel like I don’t deserve to have these problems because I am an amazing person otherwise, 4.0 gpa, in every mom group I can find, my sons education is above what it should be because I try. I feel like i try so hard at everything else that this doesn’t matter. I know I matter but this seems trivial and unnecessary for me to focus on as I’m healthy, just fat.
Any ideas how I can turn this mindset around?