i want to recover but i miss my old body
i’ve had HA since september 2025. the past 2-3 months i’ve really gone all in on recovery after some people said they were concerned for me. ive been eating better, cutting out compulsive exercising, and im 5’1, and i’ve gained about >!15-20 pounds.!< my lowest was >!100 pounds, and i’m now i’m about 118ish. when i last had my period, i was about 108.!<
i’m proud of my progress, and i really want my period back. but i so so miss my old body. this might be toxic, but i know after getting my period back consistently, im gonna do the gym/nutrition thing the right way, and tone up again/get a little less fluffy. i also love how i looked in photos, like i was cut and muscley, but still curvy. i am mourning the clothes that i cant fit into anymore. and i’ve just been overall kinda down on myself for a bit. like i have some genuine positive body thoughts sometimes, but i remember being so much happier like, 5-10 pounds ago. i know that’s so toxic. but i really want to be happier with my body now, especially since it’s summer. and i am excited to get back into the gym after this to do it the healthy was, and basically body recomp so im more muscle, basically the same weight as i am now, so im more cut again. and i wanna get strong again, i miss the gym so much :(
i also think i’m on the path to genuinely caring less about the number. like when i get back to the gym, i know im just gonna focus on how i feel/how fun it is/kinda how my body is progressing. ugh ill appreciate it so much omg, but im sad that my old gym clothes also don’t fit me as well anymore :(
sorry this was a long thing, i ramble.
tldr: gaining weight, miss how i looked before recovery, miss the gym, miss old clothes that don’t fit well anymore, need advice/thoughts