i feel like everything and everyone is failing me
One monday i woke up feeling extremely fatigued. A heaviness in my limbs i had never experienced before. I was a bit worried, more worried about not being able to go to the nursing home where i was being overworked as a nursing student though.
But my body needed rest, cant argue with that. So i took the day off to rest. that day turned into 4 days. no improvement. Called my doctor, got an appointment for next week friday.
finally friday, at my new doctor (i moved), listed my extremely long list of symptoms.
- bloating everyday
- a lot of irregular unpredictable abdominal pain, hot water bottle whenever i had the chance
- nausea, throwing up not holding anything down for a day
- constipation but diarrhea when period
- painful cramping during/ before period (feels like im about to pass out)
- fatigue. in my bones. heavy limbs.
- brain fog
- sudden depressive / suicidal episodes around period
- anxiety
- very gassy, abnormal amount of burping
- shortness of breath
- heart palpitations
i had gotten so used to these symptoms. they had worsened over the past year. but it had to come to this point for me to realise that its not normal to be in this amount of discomfort/pain. daily.
i think i totally overwhelmed my doctor. there was not have enough time to go through all these symptoms. i told her i was thinking of endometriosis and pmdd. she agreed: "it might be"
did bloodtest, fatigue maybe anemia. bloodtest came back perfectly normal.
still did not feel normal.
doctor said: there's nothing i can do because your symptoms are too vague. i'm thinking maybe depression? or something psychological
i've been treated for depression before, its the only thing on my medical record. told her i dont recognize these symptoms as depression or stress related.
i do believe i was working hard and that its been stressful for my body and it definitly worsened things.
but to write everything off to depression? i refuse. but maybe im stupid. idfk.
i was taking care of myself better than ever, i did everything i could to not fall back into depression. i got sick and was gentle with my body. not blaming myself. not rushing myself. feeling pressured by school, but i handled it very well. i asked for help and put school on pause. to focus on getting better.
after a lot of research i think pots might be causing a lot of symptoms and asked doctor for a referral. three weeks ago. still nothing.
i got prescribed birthcontrol pill (ethinylestradiol /levonorgestrel)
i was a bit hesitant, knowing its not a cure but to supress symptoms and hopefully help relieve some of the pain. i do want to give it a try. and its the only thing thats offered to me.
but now, almost 2 months in, i fear its making things worse. i struggle to get out of bed. sleep a lot. feel very sad. or just... hopeless? im anxious. suicidal thoughts. dissociating. isolating myself. my life is falling apart and i just watch it happen.
i dont know if its this stupid pill. or if this is just a logical outcome of everything ive been going through lately. im not attending classes and probably have to give up on school. i dont have any qualifications. no money. i would have to move back home to my chronically depressed and ill mom, she can barely take care of herself. i'll be just like her. chronically ill. chronically depressed.
i dont want to be like this. i reached out for help. im seeing a mental health coach. feel worse after every visit though. dont think he actually understands what im going through and i dont have the energy to explain myself.
i ask for help but everywhere i go i seem to be too fucking complicated. i can't do this for much longer.