Lost, sad, and unsure what comes next...
15 Days ago I joined this reddit because I wanted to put an intention out into the universe because I was struggling with making some hard decisions...
>Peace. Peace of mind. Peace in my home. Peace in my garden. Peace for my dogs & cat. Peace from the neighbours who have been interfering, causing harm, and bringing misery. Peace for them too, so that they will no longer feel the need to be cruel, rude, or vindictive. Peace to you reading this. May we all find a little bit of solace from the rot we're plagued with and find moments of peace that will give ourselves a little bit of rest to focus on allowing ourselves to flourish in this coming spring. May our gardens grow and the sun shine.
That was on a Sunday. Tuesday animal welfare showed up at my neighbours' house because they had been trapping animals in their backyard and threw a dead rat into mine. I had been finding several dead squirrels around my house as well, and was concerned they were poisoning. This all started because I put out seed and peanuts for the squirrels, bluejays, and two crows that would often come to visit. Thursday everything was fine, until 10:30pm I thought my dog was having a bad dream, only to have to hold him through a horrible seizure that I surely thought was him dying. It wasn't an epileptic seizure, it was his body in the throws of something horrible happening.
I called my aunt, she showed up with a bat thinking the worst was happening because I didn't tell her why she needed to come over, I just needed her there. After awhile, we thought maybe he was ok, so she went home. A half hour later I asked her to come back because I didn't want to be alone. My dog had another one at 4:30am. After it I laid with him on my kitchen floor while he moaned and again, I thought he was going. I kept telling him how much he was loved and that I was with him.
As soon as I could in the morning I called the vet and took him in. His blood work wasn't good but they did nothing to treat him, gave me a ton of prescriptions and vitamins and sent me home. He barely made it into the house before collapsing, no wanting to move. I got him his pink unicorn and a blanket, comforting him and crying trying to figure out what to do. My aunt and I said outside for a few minutes to get some air, I looked up and there was a cloud that looked just like a dog laying. I had to make a decision. Went in, and he had another seizure, at that point I knew I had no choice. We have no emergency services here for vets and I didn't want to risk him suffering the weekend. By 4:30pm Friday he was gone. I held him as he passed, my eyes closed and a blue wash of light crossed my eyes and I knew he was gone before it was announced. He was my whole world.
My other little guy has been raised by him, so he was there to say goodbye and to see him after he was gone. He has been my rock, glue to me since. It's been so hard going to the park where everyone loved my dog and he loved everyone. He was a healer, a hugger, and a listener. He got me sober, helped me face my trauma and heal, and I changed my life to give him the best possible life I could.
I made it to work for one day this past week. And then Thursday before work I was out back with my little guy because I am too afraid to let him out in my yard unsupervised because I don't know what caused the seizures in my other guy. I don't have evidence of neighbour interference, but something in my gut doesn't trust it. I have been battling the bad vibes and horrible behaviour from them for over a year. I thought if I didn't engage or give a reaction they would leave me alone. She didn't. I heard her voice say my name. I said "don't talk to me, just leave me alone". She didn't. I lost it. I said all the things I had been holding in, all the things I suspected them of doing. She denied and antagonized and then I tossed my coffee out of frustration. On my way out to my car after bringing my little guy in, she made an inappropriate accusation and I said some horrible things in return. Got in my car and drove myself to the police to accept my fate. Thankfully I did not end up in trouble but was advised to file a no contact (or peace bond as we call it here). I have no idea what this will instigate.
After that a friend met me to go to my house, pack up myself, my cat and my little guy and I drove to visit my parents a few hours away for a break. Thursday night before bed I went out, looked up to the stars and asked to be visited, to have a sign that this is all worth the struggle and pain that I am feeling. I went to bed and slept as best I could.
The next day it was so windy. I took my little guy for a walk and a shopping trip to get some treats. That evening after dinner I had a gummy and settled in to watch some tv with my parents. We were enjoying a show, chatting, the gummy hit me like a warm blanket making me yawn and feel comfortable. I was looking at my phone and happened to look up out the picture window in time to see a sharp white lightning bolt hit over the lake and another one immediately after. There was no thunder. There was no rain. And the sky above was clear aside from an odd cloud the far end of the lake. My mom got up to look out the window and mentioned the cloud, so I walked over to look... it was round with a hole in the middle. I said "that lightning blasted a hole right through that cloud" and bang! Just as I finished my words, lightnight flashed through the cloud. My mom jumped and looked at me shocked, "You did that" she said "you called that lighting". Her shriek freaked me out and instantly my anxiety shot up. The gummy paranoia kicked in, but the lighting was strange. I went back to the couch afraid to look. My mom watched commenting that the lightning was only striking in the same place with the only clouds in sight and the sky was clear above. I went to look one more time and when the lighting struck, I saw something. Maybe it was reflection from behind me, but it looked like something was blending in with the sky and the lighting lit behind it. I turned to look at my dad saying, that's not just lightning.
That night I couldn't sleep until at least 2am. At about 5am I woke up to find my little guy sitting at the end of my bed, staring at the door open just a bit for the cat to get in if she wanted. He was growling and would not move. I called him to come up closer to me, he shimmied up, but would not look away from the door. I got up and decided to go to the bathroom, being brave, I opened the door and he barked twice as I opened it. I looked out, nothing. I went to the bathroom and returned to bed. I fell back to sleep for maybe a half hour to wake up and find him still there, growling. My niece's dog came up and spooned me, my cat came up and laid on top of me, purring, but my little guy stayed put, growling. I fell back asleep until about 8am and found him curled up with me finally sleeping.
Saturday I drove home in the later afternoon and before I left I went out side where I had looked up and apologised for my fear. On the drive home I put it out there, I'm sorry I'm afraid but these little frights might help me get stronger. I asked for my dog and my cat to be safe, and that nighttime might not be the best time to send me signs. I visualised a blue sky with clouds that looked like blowing bubbles. It's been gray and rainy since.
My friends, its been a long time since I opened myself up to the universe because it's been a rough few years. I'm so sad and broken with my dog gone, with my neighbours sketchy behaviour, the fear for the safety of my other dog and cat. I've decided to pack up and sell my house. I can't live there any longer with the energy around it. I did my best last year to focus on my garden growing, on creating a peaceful, welcoming oasis for birds and squirrels and people who needed somewhere to feel safe and comforted. I bought the house for my dog and now he's gone.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this but I guess its to tell this story. I'm not sure what is to come and I hope that we will be able to find a new home that will not ruin me financially having to sell so soon after buying. I hope that whatever caused my dog to go, he is at peace and forgives me for making the decision I made. I hope you, my friends, have love and support around you.
Edit: Thank you to you all for your love and support, kindness and thoughts. I appreciate the love I felt reading each one of your comments and accept you into my heart to help me build protection around my home, my dog & cat, until we are able to move from this house. I wish you all love, joy and strength.