u/glimpsesinthemirror

since seeing the show live I’ve been on and off again fixated on Slouching Towards Branson especially with learning piano and so in awe of his performances moreso than his studio albums like yesrs ago. i feel a bit like an outcast being 21 in an online fandom that mostly consists of teens. i dont have many ppl to talk to about the performance aspect of Will but in terms of alt-comedy, cabaret/punk, musicals etc that focuses on disorder or psychology elements, are there any recommendations that would fit that same energy?

a lot of my depressiveness and shame stems from late-diagnosed ADHD and growing up in a family that was defined by executive dysfunction. for the longest time this last year i felt i needed to stay on 50mg to make progress, even if i seemed erratic at my fast food job or gave into compulsive behavior at every intrusive thought regarding my appearance. im on 30mg and despite its effectiveness varying each day, i feel calm yet productive and aware that i was too highly dosed for so long.

last fall, learning piano as an example, i would spend almost 4-5 hours a day learning the same songs, and if i decided i was done, go immediately back ten minutes later to play again and not only play but watch my recordings back almost compulsively to see if i could be proud of myself yet. and because the philosophy of piano is guided by the amount of discipline you show in your efforts, i felt I was doing the right thing.

I would avoid anything social because i felt i needed to have a hobby that i could use as proof for my established identity, i would be complimented at work for my productivity, while at the same time being told i have the worst RBF because of how deeply in-my-head i was every second. I wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs and told myself that i was making progress because despite being told I’m a good writer by professors, I up until then had no drive to put my thoughts into tangible words.

growing up with a dad who had me when he was 58 and who was adamant that I never fall into drugs because of how much addiction runs in our family, the higher-dose giving me effortless execution of tasks that replaced the conviction in a simple lack of discipline as a child which was the reason I could never live a life I was content with, with the sense of shame for the first time in my life i’m learning to unravel.