u/ifaptorobots

I am six weeks into spravato. I feel I am doing pretty good. I wouldn’t call myself depressed anymore. I am feeling better and do not have SI. And while that’s all great, I still suffer from bad anxiety. And I knew that going in. Spravato is not for anxiety.

It’s nice to get the depression out of the way, but honestly I thought that all my troubles were because of depression. But this treatment has brought forth that I still have so much to work on. I am a severely anxious person. It prevents me from keeping down jobs, etc. I also have BPD. I am chronically fatigued without a current diagnosis.

Now, I feel like spravato has helped a little in the BPD sense. I am more kind and compassionate. I am less likely to have an emotional episode or lash out. It has helped me be less impulsive. It’s not a cure. But I feel like I am making a little progress.

So for good or for worse, I have so much to still work on. Spravato is not the end all be all. It’s just a tool. Now I need to work on other things. It’s just a reality. Spravato May do wonders, but it’s up to each of us to put that into place.

I had my fourth treatment last Wednesday. I usually go every Wednesday and Friday, but had to do Monday and Wednesday because the psych was off that day. My next treatment is tomorrow.

I felt myself turning back into depressed and hateful (I have terrible BPD). I even lashed out at strangers today while shopping. I really, really hate people sometimes and have impulse control issues. It’s debilitating and it freaking sucks. I stay in my home most of the time because of this. Can’t keep a job. Can’t keep friends, and some family members have stopped talking to me altogether. I don’t blame them at all.

When I had the consistently spaced out doses, I was feeling so much kindness for myself and others. More calm, more patient. Then this happened. I’m dreading going down to just one a week. I will talk to my doctor, of course. I’m hoping I can keep going twice a week forever, if that’s what I need. My insurance has only approved this treatment until January 2027. Scared that they’ll take it away from me when I finally found something that helps not just my depression but also this accursed personality disorder.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything. Just want to share how I’m feeling in case anyone else with BPD is struggling too.

Today was my second treatment, first time full dose.

After thirty minutes, someone starts talking on their phone, playing music and games out loud. I called the nurse to tell them to stop.

Then someone started snoring loudly 🫩

I hate having a group room. No single rooms here. I was so distracted and now I’m just pissed off. I don’t like wearing ear buds or headphones because they make me feel claustrophobic and cut off. I have a terrible personality disorder and this is not helping. I know that’s my own problem, but still…don’t know if I’ll even keep trying. My first appointment was so nice. Very respectful and quiet. Wonder if I can find a different clinic.

I live in the Jackson Park section of Muncie. Out in the “outskirts” of Muncie, even though the justice center is now a block from my residence.

We have been without power since 11pm last night. All the food in my fridge has gone bad, including the insulin I need for my diabetic cat’s health. Not to mention, my father uses a cpap machine and my neighbor needs constant oxygen to survive.

I called and tried to reach a human at I&M, but the robot would not let me and kept hanging up on me. I reached out to senator Young, and got a response back saying he can’t interfere with a private business.

This is OUTRAGEOUS. My cat will suffer, my family and friends will suffer. I&M has never taken this long to get power back up and running. I am just so upset.