u/ihaveasplinter

looking back on some of my journal entries from mid to late last year + earlier this year, it was bound to happen and maybe i already grieved some of the relationship while we were together. the guilt of many many things is eating me alive rn though and i can’t help but think things could have gone way better despite the way we settled during the tail end

i still think what we had was special and maybe it’s just cope but i believe we can reconnect (not sure about rekindling i guess) in the future.. but the way i am rn, that won’t be for a very long time

cw: grief and loss/death mention ..

.. .. when my aunt passed away a couple years ago i literally took one day off and went back to school/work as normal. Haven’t visited her grave since my family last went which was a little bit after the funeral

in less than a week i’ve gone from uncontrollably sobbing to feeling perfectly normal to feeling hollowed out to laughing like nothing is going on inside.. i’m literally so cooked and this was partially why our relationship even went downhill

Everything. a lot of songs i like are sad or melancholic by nature so i think of him. my friends have similar music taste as him so they like the same artists. i see his favorite things everywhere, things that he would like, etc etc … we’ve made so many memories in so many different places

i had a photobooth pic of us back from before we even started dating in my phone that i took out yesterday only bc i realized i forgot to do that. half of the plushies on my bed are from him. 70% of my dog’s toys were gifts that he got her from a subscription.

my room is a big mess but many of his gifts, both handmade and bought, are scattered around. i have rolls of undeveloped film that definitely have pictures of him in them. i already cleared my phone camera roll ONCE Like two years ago, and my hard drive def has many pictures of him that i probably won’t sort thru.

it’s a whole life that i need to lock away in order to move on but it feels impossible because there is literally so much. i’m holding a plushie he got me as i’m typing; these i don’t hold too much sentimental value with but it’s just sad to think about

4.5 years just gone..

i can’t stop crying despite not having eaten anything nor did i drink anything all day … i just feel so empty and it was an amicable/mutual breakup but it still hurts so much

i have work in 7.5 hours and i don’t even know if i’ll be able to wake up in time for that, every time i try closing my eyes to fall asleep i just picture him and it hits me again