so confused in my life??
I’m a 19yo neurodivergent mixed queer. I grew up always so confused where i’ll be and what to do with my life. When people would ask, “What do you think you’ll be doing after high school?” or “Where do you think you would be when you grow up?” I never really had anything solid in mind. I’ve felt like I go back and forth between so many hobbies, interests, and talents, but none of them ever really fitted me or went anywhere successfully career-wise
I also deal with so many issues at home, education, physically, mentally, socially; it’s becoming really depressing and frustrating that everything I do, even when I do have an idea on doing something, there’s always something blocking my way from achieving success. I am artistically inclined and can be creative with solutions when needed be, but still super insecure and uninspired to continue my works.
I barely have friends, have lost friends, never been in love or had a relationship before; yet I crave social interaction and romance in my life. I know that love shouldn’t be a big focus in my life, but I have tried doing self healing and self love (in some aspects) to become a better person. But nothing has really helped me and i’ve only gotten worse (turning to ideation and addictions) I’ve been and have become even more an outcast.
I grew up with my grandparents, because my mother was an abused brainwashed teen that got pregnant too soon. She married my father after I was born but then got divorced and I haven’t seen my dad in years. She’s barely there in my life, but when she’s there, trouble usually comes; and it was always cause fights at home with my grandparents.
Everything had been okay right up until the pandemic hit, completely throwing my life out of balance. I had become even more depressed and slightly agoraphobic, due to being home-schooled from 6th grade to the end of high school. (which a death occurred midway through school, making it more difficult to finish my education)
Now, I didn’t get to complete all of high school and had dropped out, no degree, unemployed, an Ex-Christian (due to religious trauma, thinking about turning to Omnism) and i’m still stuck at home swinging back and forth between helping my (Cancer♋️) grandma and sometimes hanging out with my (Capricorn♑️) BPD mother when she comes by occasionally (living between from friend-to-friend because she can’t afford her own apartment.)
So i’m just curious what I need to work on healing or changing, where I should look in my life to grow spiritually, what opportunities would be best to get into to help me (financially & socially) succeed, and any other tips or suggestions. I’m just all out of ideas here and just looking to find some kind of answer.
(I’m sorry this was a long post to read, just wanted to vent out my thoughts and curious what placements are affecting me and how I could fix or improve on it, on myself. I think I have a lot of potential on some things if I can find out where to direct this energy. And if anything, I hope that this post could’ve been somewhat relatable to someone out there struggling. I really just want to put my all and be out there in the world, just to help or be there for at least one person.)
With lots of love and warm regards, a caring stranger on the internet :) 💗