I lost my mal yesterday and I am not OK
Posting here because I don't think anybody else understands what it's like to live with a dog that's practically a whole person.
We had her for almost 10 years. She would have been 13 in December. She lost a leg in 2023 due to a catastrophic break. It was a tough time. They told us she had six months to live because they thought she had cancer. They were wrong. She didn't have cancer and lived for 3 more years.
She was a warrior. A fighter. She took absolutely everything that life gave her and took it in stride. No leg? She adjusted. New baby? New normal. Couldn't use the back leg anymore? She'd drag herself around the house using just her front legs, no complaints. Then she stopped being able to use one of her front legs. That was the beginning of the end.
We made the call yesterday when my husband lifted her 66 pounds to take her outside and she yelped. He set her down, apologized. Picked her up again. She yelped again. We knew she was in pain. The trouble is: I think she could have handled anything. I think she would have withstood the pain, the disability. It was us who couldn't watch her go through that. She was still the same girl till the very end, but her body was broken.
In the beginning, we took her everywhere. Trips. Huge hikes. Marathon-length training runs. She was game for all of it. She was such a klutz. I took her on a six-mile run once and she ran straight into a metal bench because she wasn't watching where she was going. That wasn't the only time she ran into something.
She wasn't a cuddler. She liked her space. She'd yell at us in her malamute-y way if she was hungry or if we were being too loud (she also liked her quiet). She was stoic, but she had such a goofy side too. Now when I lay down on the couch, all I can think of is how - when she was mobile - she'd come and lay right next to me. Not doing anything, saying anything. Just being present. I'll never get over the lack of her presence.
I have so many regrets. Pulling away from her in her final months as her health declined to prepare myself for what I felt like I knew was coming. Thinking about how much easier it would be to not have a dog to have to come home and take out when we wanted to take longer daytime excursions. Thinking about what a pain it was to have to board her for trips. We took a lot of trips this summer; I wish we'd been around more. Thinking how much easier it would be to have just my young son to worry about, to not have a dog too. Well, now I don't.
We went through some very tough times while we had her. I thought I was strong, but now I think it was just because she was there. I think I only made it through those things because of her. What am I supposed to do now?
The resistance I feel around her passing is so intense. I didn't want to have her for her whole life; I wanted to have her for mine. I feel so much more broken than I ever thought I would.
Thanks for listening if you made it down here. Really appreciate folks who understand what relationships with these dogs can be like.
ETA: wow, y’all. I knew this was the right community to post in. Know that I’m reading and upvoting every reply. Thank you for lifting my spirits today.