I thought i was over with this. Hope?
Hello!
25F, i experienced anxiety since age 12 more seriously, actually that was the age i had the first panic attack though i didn't know the word for it. from then onwards, i tried to self medicate any way i knew, with illegal substances, primarily cannabis. i was constantly running away from myself. at 19 i moved abroad for study, lived alone, and became agoraphobic. i suffered in silence mostly. then at 22-23 i started getting the courage to regain my life, and i started bit by bit. but i still regularly used substances to cope, though much lesser than before. i moved back to my home country after graduation, switched fields (began working as a programmer as a BSc psychology), lived through a couple of intense things such as intense political unrest and violence in the country, ending a toxic relationship, my cousins shocking s_icide. in the past few months i've largely felt like i'm getting my life more and more into order. depression was lifting, a depressive episode was but a blip, happened and forgotten. i felt like i was truly getting to know myself. to accept myself for what i am. opening up to people more, buildinh real friendships. i was pursuing my interests in art with a passion and courage i was struggling to keep consistent before. work was finally going better, i felt like i was finally catching up to my colleagues, like i belonged there though i wasn't perfect (nobody is! you try your best!).
and then? more than a month ago now i went out with a friend to a restaurant and experienced panic. i felt like it might've been triggered by the fact that in 3 days i had a team building to attend and i was horibbly anxious about it. i wanted to not go in the end, but i was scared enough of it costing me my job that i went anyway. it was alright, i actually had such a great time.
i felt like i was in the clear. after that, i felt really refreshed, grounded. i felt like i found work even easier, i was pursuing my art project intensely on the side. ordered a 3d print of a model i modeled. went to pick it up from a guy, to meet for coffee in the mall and pick it up. and there it was out of nowhere, intense panic from 0 to a 100. told him i wasn't feeling well and need a ride home. i lie in bed drained and felt kind of embarassed about the whole thing. i wasnt giving it much thought days after, however a few days later as i'm off to the hair stylist: panic. i tried going but my legs chose to leave the bus and run back home.
here is where i stopped smoking cannabis too. cannabis was the last substance i was using on a regular before sleep, and even before i had the panic i started intensely tapering off cause i didn't like the feeling of being dependant upon anything anymore. after that 2nd panic i started panicking about what this meant for me, my life. i started ruminating about everything. i started asking myself "will a walk outside with my dog feel scary now?" and when there is a question, of course it does. i was im horrible distress, thinking my life is changed forever, somehow angry and ashamed of myself. i was thinking i certainly can't go to a trip to NL with my brother next week, which i was looking forward to so much. well, i went anyway. i had some sedatives as backup, but i never ended up using them. it was really uncomfortable at times but also great and fun, including the huge concert we went to. then afterwards i traveled with my mom for a summer vacation, went to the beach almost every day, again ruminating thoughts but i had a fun time in the end, though it was a bit rough. sometimes rougher. i experienced panic one evening when we were supposed to go to the city, we turned back home. i felt shame again.
now i've been back home for a week, working, and experiencing intense bouts of panic every day regarding my return to the office. i'm going only on monday, we're supposed to visit only once a week the rest is remote work, and yet i've been dreading it, imagining every horror of a scene imaginable. i decided i will not raw dog it in the end, and will take a quarter of lorazepam. i really don't want to become dependant on sedatives, but right now it seems reasonable, cause i really want to get through that door and make sure i stay. it's the first time i would be off somewhere outside by myself for hours on end and where i have to perform since i started experiencing panic, which is why i find it especially dreadful.
so a month and some experiencing this. deep down i don't believe this will change my life forever, but right now i still feel confused and scared in the midst of it. i guess i'm writing this to get somebody else's "hopeful" stories haha. thank you for reading.