u/kiki470

Well, I can’t believe this is happening but I am in desperate need of some advice. We are less than two months away from our wedding, which will take place in Europe (we live in the US). I am freaking out because as of right now I have not seen a single design element for my wedding, and when I ask my planner, she gives me half answers, makes false promises, and repeats over and over we’ll get something “soon.” I have cried every day for the past week feeling gaslit and uncomfortable and I am out of ideas, I do not know what to do.

Here’s the full story. Lots of detail because I am feeling so insane and wondering if I truly did cross a line somewhere or if my expectations have been unrealistic.

In march of last year (a full 18 months before the wedding) we found a planner with incredible reviews on Reddit, gorgeous and unique weddings on instagram, has been featured in magazines and even won awards in her country, and willing to work in our budget. She was knowledgeable about all of the venues we had researched and seemed like the perfect fit. Very early on (I think by like May of last year or so) we booked all of our vendors with her help, and they all seem genuinely top notch. I follow all of them on instagram, I’ve met the photographer who has worked with her several times before and seems to look up to her/speak highly of her, and until this year I had no real complaints.

That said, from the beginning I have struggled to get any real kind of details out of her about timeline or just the general process of how we would work together. I asked for a deck very early on - I was careful to ask at the *end* of wedding season last year, knowing that they may have a lull in planning activities. I was told we wouldn’t start until around February. I put a lot of trust in the idea that this is my first time being this deep in wedding planning, and the first wedding I’ve ever even attended in Europe, so maybe there are some cultural differences. We did a virtual “tasting” in January (we couldn’t make it to Europe in that time frame) where she essentially took a few photos of the food and gave her recommendations on what would be best. I should also note that our caterer is also our vendor for table settings and all other rentals. I had expected at the time to see those, but when she showed me the photos she assured me that we had not selected the plates yet, but these were some of what they had to offer. To date, this was the ONLY TIME I have ever seen any kind of table item options.

Meanwhile, my best friend is a wedding stationery designer, and an incredible one at that. I was incredibly upfront from the beginning that I wanted her to have creative freedom with the designs for menus, place cards, signage, etc, because she’s honestly someone whose aesthetic I admire, plus she knows me so well. Not to mention, this is her job and she’s good at.

Around this time (in Feb) I asked every few weeks for an update on when we would get design. I was told (noncommittally, I might add) “sometime in May.” As we got closer to May, that became “May or early June.” Every interaction was always caveated with how busy she was with other weddings. Throughout May she was nearly impossible to get a hold of, and she never proactively mentioned her timeline, it just slowly kept creeping out. I did get the majority of what I needed urgently (including scheduling my makeup trial in June).

In late June (3 months out from the wedding) we went to visit the city where we will get married and where she lives, and met with the planner in person. We still had not received anything in the way of design, or even a timeline or process. The planner’s reasoning for this is that she is “waiting for florals to be finalized” as she can’t make any other decision until she has those. Throughout June, she mentions she’s “really pushing” her florist to hurry up, but she also wants to “respect her process” (a process that has never been made clear to me). I should highlight that the florist is her BEST FRIEND - as in, my planner officiated the florist’s wedding earlier this year. At this point, my best friend is panicking - she also needs SOME kind of design direction in order to start designing and producing, and we can’t get an answer about basic things like napkin and linen color. She gives the planner the due date of July 21st to see something - anything.

Our in-person meeting in late June was wild, I mean WILD. I don’t know if she was drunk, or what was happening, but she came in incredibly defensive, held my hand, and begged me to trust her. She kept ordering more sparkling wine for the table and pulled out her laptop to show me the decks she has created for other clients, and promised me several times I would be blown away by the end result. She spent the rest of the time opening up to me about personal things in her life (I’m usually okay with this, but please do your job first?) and at more than one point, she cried. I was uncomfortable throughout the interaction, but she seemed so passionate and she promised me “early July” we’d have what we needed. She assures me she has my mood board and will make something we love. At this point it’s been over a year since we’ve discussed anything design related, and she’s never followed up to ask me a single question. I acquiesce and say okay, I’ll wait for July. I ask her to please connect with my friend and make sure she has what she needs.

I also realize around this time that the only copy of any contracts I have are the ones that I signed - none of the signed vendor contracts are anywhere that is accessible to me. I ask her for this several times, and she promises to send them, and cites excuses about being unable to “access my folder.”

Early July comes and goes, with no update on design, no insight into what is actually happening, just “we’re still waiting on florals, the florist is very busy, she’s currently in another country” etc etc. By mid-July, I’m not only anxious, I’m deeply sad - this was the part of wedding planning I was most looking forward to, for many years. I write her a long email expressing how sad I am and how stressful it is for me to not have any insight into the process or any kind of timeline.

It takes her three days to respond to my email, but when she does she is incredibly apologetic. She calls me several times to assure me she’s on top of the florist. She feels awful that I am stressed. She promises to have something “by monday” (spoiler: she didn't) and to schedule something with my stationery designer friend to make sure her questions are answered.

She fails to show up for the first scheduled meeting, 24 hours later citing an issue where she did not have access to her phone or laptop (but was online on WhatsApp several times throughout the day). I am distraught, my friend is incredibly frustrated, and my fiancé sends a strongly worded message essentially saying all we want is a timeline. We just want to know what to expect, when. We are 55 days out. We are nervous. She reacts incredibly defensively, again showing us all her previous work and what she is capable of doing. Multiple times all of us, including my friend, tell her we have never questioned her design abilities, we just want to know the timeline. This conversation is one of the most illogical I have ever had in a professional context. At different points, she claims it is “completely normal in Europe to not provide designs until a few weeks before” because “we don’t know what flowers will be available until the week before” and “typically we get the florals 1 month prior” and “we cannot do ANYTHING without the final floral project.” Everything about this timeline confuses me. Throughout it, I am constantly doubting my own sanity (did she actually say this before? Did I make up that she once said May? Did she not say she’d have something in July?) I asked her if we should expect to wait until late August to see something then (ie 1 month out), to which she responds “no, definitely sooner.”

The meeting is rescheduled for last night (midnight PST, morning today for her), and in the meantime the planner sends “what they have so far” which is two slides of a handful of elements that are not at all related to anything I have ever put on a mood board, discussed with her, or shown her. My friend gets on the call at midnight, and again the planner never shows. (To nitpick a bit - my friend emailed twice before the call to confirm, joined the link sent to her in the calendar invite, waited 10 minutes on the link, and followed up via email at exactly 7 min after the meeting time. She did not technically “accept” the invitation on Google, but she confirmed both via email and whatsapp. I was present for all of this). The planner emailed THREE hours after the scheduled meeting time (aka 3am our time), claiming she was on the call but my friend never showed. This reads super sketchy to me, as much as I am desperately trying to understand her point of view.

Here’s where I’m stuck - I know asking to bring in a creative person she is not used to working with is potentially a big ask, and I also recognize that Europe may truly do weddings differently. Perhaps all brides see no design until a month before their wedding or whatever. I know I can be a little type A. This woman has accolades and people that truly love to work with her. Reddit posters gush about her. Her weddings are gorgeous.

That said, I’m feeling gaslit. She has now disrespected my best friend SEVERAL times, both by not showing up to two meetings, not answering her questions, acting frustrated with her (arguably simple) requests, and even calling her by the wrong name in emails. She has evaded every single question I have ever asked her about timeline. She texts me about personal things when I am waiting for updates regarding the service I paid her for.

What are my options here? I checked our contract, and technically she hasn’t broken anything in it yet. There is no mention of a timeline - only that she is in charge of vendor negotiations and communications, and day of coordination and setup. Firing her only hurts me, as I doubt it would be possible to get another planner at this time, and as I mentioned before, I don’t even have the signed contracts or any of the contact info for many of the vendors. Am I overreacting? Should I shut up and wait (and try to get the stationery stuff designed with what we know)? Should I attempt to find a backup planner, if such a thing even exists?

Sorry this is so long. I am out tens of thousands of euros and I am sick to my stomach about where we’re at. I have barely slept. I cried most of the weekend after the first ghost and her defensive reaction. Her last message to me was this morning, claiming my friend never showed up to the meeting, and saying she’s too busy to talk to me today but will reach out soon.

planning a few days in lagos with about 20ish friends - any tips on activities for a group this size?

Help! Advice needed - less than two months away and my European wedding planner is dropping the ball