Struggling two months in with dysphoria
I’m 28 and would describe my gender as nonbinary/butch/tomboy and have been on low dose gel (50mg 1%) for 2 months. Im also about 4 months into a 12 month waitlist for top surgery consultation. I’ve never felt more disconnected from my body. My goals have been to temporarily be on T and hopefully achieve some more androgynous features and then stop taking it, knowing that some changes are not permanent. The things I’ve been wanting most are voice lowering, hairier legs/pits, and bottom growth. I do not want facial hair or more hair in other parts of my body but I know that I can’t pick and choose what testosterone does to my body and was fully aware that these changes would happen along with the ones that I wanted. It seems that my body REALLY agrees with testosterone because I’ve already noticed so many of these changes. While I love some of them, I’m feeling almost opposite dysphoria about the ones I’m less thrilled about? The hair growing on my stomach and chin has started to stress me out in ways I didn’t anticipate when I was weighing the pros and cons of starting testosterone. But I still don’t want to stop because of the gender euphoria I’ve felt with the changes I do love, especially the bottom growth.
I just feel more confused than ever and all I’ve learned is that I’m for sure not a binary trans person. But I’m sad that starting hrt didn’t fill me with the clarity that I see so many other trans folks have. My partner is mtf and has been on hrt for almost a year. She’s never been happier and I’m so happy for her. But I can’t help but also feel jealous because from my perspective, it just felt so natural and straightforward for her. But I’m here with a jumbled mess in my brain, feeling less connected to my own body, wishing for something that doesn’t exist.