u/mobiusmakings

Narrator: THIS SUMMER...

*Yuu is sitting in the backseat of a vehicle as Dojima, voiced by Bruce Campbell, is driving*

Narrator: IT'S TIME TO...

Dojima: I know you're not used to the sleepy countryside, Yuu, but I think you'll like it---

*gets cut off by Yosuke, voiced by Finn Wolffhard, slamming directly into the car with his bike*

Dojima: *rolls eyes* Ugh, not this again!

Narrator: MAKE HISTORY!

*Nanako, voiced by Zendaya, looks up from iPad mid-1 v. 1 Fortnite match and points at Yosuke's mangled body and laughs*

Nanako: Victory Royale! GG, dad! Pog-champ! *Dojima sighs as Yuu winces*

*Video Killed The Radio Star by The Buggles plays as we cut to a sweeping shot of Yasogami High School's campus, where Yuu and Yosuke are walking behind Chie, voiced by Amy Poehler*

Yosuke: You're gonna love it here, Yuu! This place is a bit of a drag, but we make our own fun in this town.

Chie: Wait, so what's this new guy's name again?

Yosuke: Uh...Yuu?

Chie: Yes, I'm me, but who is he?

Yosuke: He's...he's Yuu.

Chie: *throws her hands up in the air, throwing books and papers all over the place* THEN WHO AM I?!

Narrator: THE SLEEPY TOWN OF INABA...

*Yukiko, voiced by Lucy Liu, sits next to Chie, who's having lunch across from Yuu and Yosuke*

Yukiko: You guys, I think there's credence to Chie's Midnight Channel rumor. I saw one of our classmates in the TV last night.

Chie: What's credence? Is it tasty?

NARRATOR: IS ABOUT TO WAKE UP!

*Kanji, voiced by Christian Bale, gets shaken awake by Naoto, voiced by Hunter Schaefer*

Naoto: Wake up, Kanji! We're gonna be late for school again!

Kanji: *still snoring*

Naoto: *sighs and cracks knuckles* Time to bring out the big guns. Hit it, Rise.

*Rise, voiced by Charli XCX, taps her finger against a boombox's PLAY button, and the first three notes of Britney Spears' Slave 4 U plays*

Kanji: OK I'm up now, you can turn it off! Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!

*Teddie, voiced by Danny DeVito, putters out of the closet with a costume reminiscient of Britney's Spears' 2004 VMA's Slave 4 U performance outfit over his bear costume*

Teddie: Aww...does that mean I have to take this off? *everyone stares at him with wide eyes, as Teddie flips his blonde wig back* ...What?

*Teddie has a real snake over his shoulders, which ends up chasing Kanji, Naoto, and Rise, who are all screaming because screaming is funny*

Narrator: FROM ILLUMINATION STUDIOS, IN COLLABORATION WITH ATLUS, COMES AN ADVENTURE FILLED WITH MYSTERY...

*Adachi, voiced by Tom Holland, eats a steak skewer while walking alongside Yuu in Junes*

Adachi: Yeah, there's a lot of mysteries in this town. Disappearing people, this whole TV business, why your uncle likes dressing up as Jennifer Lopez in his spare time...*nervously glances over at Yuu* B-But you didn't hear that from me!

Narrator: ROMANCE...

Ai *voiced by Kendall Jenner*: You're taking me out for Valentine's Day, riiiiight Yuu?

Yumi *voiced by Sydney Sweeney*: Erm, holdeth thine tongue, you swine. He's CLEARLY taking THEE out.

Rise: You fatties are both wrong, senpai wants ME!

Teddie: You're all wrong, uglies, cuz Yuu's gonna take ME out!*still in his Britney Spears drag with his bear costume underneath; everyone stares at him* ...What?

Narrator: FRIENDSHIP...

*compilation of the investigation team riding through the countryside on the bikes, looking over at each other and laughing*

Narrator: ...AND THRILLS!

*Yosuke gets hit by Dojima's car again, sending him flying into space*

Dojima: GOD, NOT AGAIN!

Nanako: L-M-A-O, scrublord. Get rekt, unc!

Narrator: IT'S THE ULTIMATE SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER YOU DON'T WANNA MISS!

*Margaret and Marie, voiced by Anne Hathaway and Jenna Ortega respectively, look over Igor's shoulder to see him watch Dojima and Teddie in drag lip-syncing for their lives to On The Floor by Jennifer Lopez*

Marie: Uh...what are you watching?

Igor, voiced by Willam Defoe: *tosses phone out of Velvet Room window* U-Uh, nothing! Nothing....nothing. *farts, making Marie and Margaret gag* Now that? *Igor crosses his legs and reclines* THAT was me.

Narrator: COMING THIS SUMMER, ONLY IN SELECT THEATERS AND IMAX!

*red and black text sweeps across the screen* Narrator: COMING THIS SUMMER

*Ren gets up from bed, stretching his arms and yawning as whimsical classical music plays*

Narrator: GET READY

*Ren yawns and brushes his teeth*

Narrator: TO HAVE YOUR HEART

*record scratches as Ren opens the bedroom door to Morgana, voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, hacking a furball at his feet, which Ren is disgusted by*

Morgana: *cough, cough* Erm...sorry about that! Force of habit. *Ren facepalms*

Narrator: ...STOLEN!

*Kickstart My Heart by Mötley Crue starts playing as we get a sweeping shot of Shujin Academy, jumping to a cut of Ryuji Sakamoto, voiced by Charlie Day, walking alongside Ren*

Ryuji: Kamoshida is, like, such an asshole bro. *cuts to Kamoshida sneering at the camera evilly* If we don't do something about him, he's gonna, like, ruin the vibes of the whole school!

Narrator: From Illumination Studios, in collaboration with Atlus...

*Ann, voiced by Kristen Bell, stands in front of a mirror in her phantom thief suit*

Ann: Does this bodysuit make my butt look big?

*Yusuke, voiced by RuPaul Charles, snaps at the mirror in a Z-formation*

Yusuke: Giiiiiirl, you're werking the house DOWN, mawma! Boots!

Morgana: Bro, what does that even mean?

Yusuke: Um...you know...*shrugs and flips hair back* Boots.

Narrator: When it's the thieves who deal out the justice...

*Futaba, voiced by Manon from Katseye, and Makoto, voiced by Sabrina Carpenter, sit in front of Futaba's computer*

Makoto: This was all the info I could get from my sister's computer. Will this help us?

Futaba: Oh yeah, dude! Fo shizzle! I just gotta---

*popup on the screen flashes, the popup being a video of Sojiro dancing along to a MIDI of Gangham Style wearing only a jockstrap*

Futaba and Makoto: AAAAAAAH!!!

Narrator: The Shadows will never...

*Haru, voiced by Zendaya, adjusts her musketeer hat and looks serious while doing so*

Haru: Let's get serious! My dad is evil and that's not boots! We gotta stop him!

Morgana: Won't someone PLEASE tell me what "boots" means?!

Narrator: See it...

*compilation of Ren shaking hands with different confidants, their names flashing across the screen as follows*

VIN DIESEL: SAKURA

BOB ODENKIRK: YOSHIDA

JENNA ORTEGA: TAKEMI

AARON PAUL: IWAI

HARRY STYLES: MISHIMA

PARIS HILTON: KAWAKAMI (in maid outfit the whole movie)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: TOJO

JENNIFER COOLIDGE: CHIHAYA

SETH ROGAN: THE DUMB KID IN THE ARCADE

Narrator: ...coming!

*cuts to Ren in the Velvet Room in front of Caroline and Justine, both voiced by Ellen Degeneres, when a massive fart rips behind them*

Caroline and Justine: *turns to Igor, voiced by Willam Defoe, who's blushing behind them* IGOOOOOR!!!

Igor: W-Wasn't me!

Narrator: COMING THIS SUMMER, ONLY IN SELECT THEATERS AND IMAX!

I (16F) have a...bizarre relationship with one of the coaches (37M) at my school to say the least. Let's call him Coach K. Everyone loves him, but honestly? He's like, creepy AF. He sometimes tries giving me rides to and from school (I usually say no but his car DOES have heated seating), he follows me around my classes (despite him being the volleyball coach and me being, like, not athletic at all), and he just like....leers at me? The other day he literally asked me if I had a pink bikini set and when I asked him why he asked he just said "ohhhh no reason, I can just really see you wearing one"??????

Well he tried to make this deal where like if we were like an actual couple then my best friend (we'll call her S) could stay on his team. This sounded OK at first until I put his age in a calculator and subtracted my age from that. You guys! Our age gap is old enough to drink!!! I figured it would be just him going on and on about his Olympic medal (he has one idk when he won it who cares) while we were at like Olive Garden or something but then I thought about him playing footsie with me under the table and I actually barfed in the middle of English class. Needless to say I turned him down.

Here's the problem tho: S ended up getting kicked off the team and jumped off our school building as a result (COMPLETELY different incident from that poor girl in Shujin Academy before anyone asks!!!!!!) My friends (2 16Ms, I have other friends tho I just didn't ask them!!) said that I didn't do anything wrong and one of them said that the only thing I should have done along with reject the coach then kick him in the nards.

But like.....idk? S is currently in the hospital and might not walk again and I feel like it's all my fault? My 2 friends earlier said that they could "change Coach K's heart" whatever that means???? Does changing a man's heart make him stop leering at teenage girls??? Regardless I think I just screwed my friend's future when I could've just screwed Coach K and got it over with idk

So, Reddit. AITA?