It’s hard to make oneself believe you aren’t lazy
Disappointment upon disappointment upon disappointment in myself. Who else had a terrible semester cause I did. Perhaps the worst I have ever had. I withdrew from a class early on because I missed an exam, an online exam I had 5 days to do and I forgot to do it until a few hours before the due date, but by then it locked me out since there wasn’t much time before the due date. I should’ve emailed the professor, but I didn’t. I was paralyzed in disappointment and shame and anxiety over what I did.
That blunder sapped motivation from me and I realized unless I got perfect scores on everything for the rest of the semester and managed a passing C, likely I would only end with a D due to my averageness which is not transferable. So I withdrew. I think that marked the downfall, because I hardly did anything in my other two classes for so long after that. I was forcibly withdrawn from my online class due to lack of participation. And the one left I only did a few discussion posts, made it to a handful of lecture for participation, only did the quizzes and completed 0 papers.
What is wrong with me? I know the answer and yet I question myself so often. I really do hate myself whenever I think about it. I think that’s why I turn to my various forms of escapism. I’m desperate for distraction from my failures. But it only makes my inability to do anything worse. I don’t even have a job. I don’t even do anything with anyone other than my parents because I have nobody else in my life. It’s not like I was busy. I did nothing, completed bare minimum, hardly left my room. I have no excuses. I feel so lazy. Yet I know that my actions aren’t out of a lack of care or indifference. But I still feel lazy.
I wish I wasn’t me. I have to get my shit together, make appointments, get help find it do something. I really do and it needs to happen and i need to stop saying I will when I don’t do shit. Really trying to figure it out, I don’t want to give into the negative crap or the spiraling into self punishment so..yeah. I hope everyone else in similar situation finds strength and optimism too. Do it, find it, whatever. Idk.