u/nootomanysquid

I joined the Navy at 17 in 2017, right out of high school. I signed up as a Navy Nuke. Things started off fine. Boot camp was fun. I was a good sailor and I took it seriously. I took everything to heart and did my best. Nuke school started off well, too.

At some point though I started having panic attacks. I didn’t understand them and thought I was dying at first. They started at once a week, but grew more frequent overtime. It was starting to affect my studies and my focus in class. Eventually I snapped and tried to break my hand. My roommate found me and managed to stop me before I could do any real damage though. I was sent to an inpatient facility for my mental health, which was relaxing but felt like being in prison. A nice prison, but still a prison. I felt trapped. I was taken away from my partner and my friends. I was stripped of every possession. I don’t know, it just didn’t feel good.

I was disqualified from the Nuke program for this and sent to DTP, I don’t remember what it stands for, but basically it was for people who failed out that were waiting to be transferred to a different rate or be separated entirely. I really wanted to try to stay in and transfer, if they would even have allow me, but the fear of being separated from my partner became too much for me. She was also Navy and I was terrified that things wouldn’t work out if we couldn’t stay together.

I was ultimately separated. I married my wife and supported her as a military spouse, the hardest job in the military as I’m sure we’re all aware, until she wound up being separated for becoming suicidal.

The Nuke program is said to have one of the highest suicide rates in Navy. I try to remind myself that despite everything, I made it out. Not everyone did though. We had a suicide in the graduating class I would’ve been a part of.

Things got bad for me. I was having panic attacks nearly every day. I became so depressed I would sometimes lay on the floor unable to move. There was more, but I can’t be bothered to go into detail (this is my second time writing this because reddit got all stupid on me and removed my first draft. I’ve decided to shorten it all and get to the point a bit more). You can ask if you’re curious I guess.

I was separated in August of 2018. I served for more than 180 days in active duty which qualified me for VA services. I got 30% for depression/anxiety, which has since been bumped to 70% in the last few months.

Now here’s the part I’m struggling with (besides everything else). I have felt like a failure because of this. I had a lot of people expecting me to make it through and serve a full contract. I feel like I let them down. I feel like I let myself down. I’ve hated myself for a long time because of my failure. I’m only just starting to love myself a bit more. I failed as a sailor. I failed as a person. My anxiety/depression has gotten so bad I can’t work a job without becoming suicidal and having panic attacks every day on my way to work. I’m fighting for TDIU right now, but that’s irrelevant.

I’ve been in therapy on and off since I got out and it’s helped some. Since I’ve stopped working my panic attacks have decreased to once every few months. My depression has been getting worse though. I was becoming suicidal again recently, so I reached out to the VA to request therapy again. I don’t feel suicidal now (well. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. But I don’t want to put a bullet through my skull. I have a suicide method planned though. I don’t want to follow through. If I’m going to do it I want to asphyxiate on nitrogen gas. Just get tired and not wake up). Sorry, I’m getting distracted and losing my train of thought.

Anyways, I feel like a piece of garbage. I feel like a failure. I’m starting to hate myself again, just a bit. I feel like I can’t do anything right, even though I know that’s not true. I’m trying to move on from the Navy but I can’t.

I hate myself for not serving long enough. For failing out of Nuke school. I hate myself for not making it to a ship. For not doing a single actual thing in the Navy. I hate myself for taking VA benefits despite having done nothing. Worst of all I hate myself because I want so badly to join again. I was miserable. I wanted to die. I was a complete mess, incapable of getting out of bed. But for some reason I feel empty without it. I want it but I can’t have it. I feel like a wannabe.

My therapy hasn’t been working. I have a really good therapist but I’m just not getting better. I can’t stop hyper fixating on it all. I want to do it again and do it right. I want to fix my mistakes and make it work. I can’t do it though. Even if they let me back in. I would lose my VA benefits. My family needs it. I have a one year old daughter. I can’t leave her. We can’t afford daycare. What would happen to her. I can’t leave my wife as a single mother.

I just can’t get it out of my head. I need to do it right this time. I don’t deserve anything until I’ve done it right. I’m a worthless piece of trash.

Lately I’ve been fantasizing of going infantry. Army, because I’m not good enough to be a marine. I wanted to be a marine, but I was scared. Mostly because I wanted to be on a ship though.

Now I want to be infantry. I want to go out there and be with a group of brothers and sisters. I’m not scared anymore. I don’t care. I want to get shot. I don’t want to come back. Or if I do I want to be someone that people are impressed by. I don’t know.

My brother in law is joining the army. I’m tying to get him prepared. It’s hard. I don’t want him to get messed up like me. I don’t want to send my boy to the desert to get killed. If something happens to him it’ll be my fault. I don’t want to get my wife’s baby brother killed.

Guys, I can’t do this. I’m falling apart. I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t even care if you guys read this. I just need to put it out there. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.

I signed the same paper as all of you. I took an oath. I sacrificed my soul, to kill or be killed if the need arose, same as all of you. I deserve to be called a veteran. Except I don’t though, do I? Because unlike you, I couldn’t cut it. Now, I’m a burden on society. I take a check from the government. I can barely take care of myself and my house is a mess.

I love my daughter though. She gets me through it. My wife too, but there’s something about having a child that makes it too hard to just disappear.

Sometimes I get stuck. Like when I can’t get myself to move in the shower and the hot water starts burning my skin. Like now. I can’t stop typing. I don’t feel like I have control. I need someone to stop me so I can just go to bed. I need help. Why isn’t the therapy working.

Guys I’m trying so hard. I need to take my meds.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasted your time.

Update:

Thanks for your kind words. I want to say that I was clearly not in a good headspace when I made this post. I was having a bit of a crisis that began spiraling.

I’m very thankful to have my family. They are amazing and they get me through the hardest times. I’m slowly making progress. Therapy has been slow, but as one user said, it can be challenging doing it on and off. It’s like having to restart each time.

Making this post has given me a lot to think about. Normally I don’t write these thoughts down, so they end up drifting away before I have time to process them.

For this that day I wouldn’t cut it as infantry. You are correct. I’m thankful that I wouldn’t. It’s a reminder to take a step back and think about what I need for myself. When I think about combat, I remember how I have panic attacks when things get stressful. Then I remember that I’m not that guy. I’m someone who is deeply broken and needs to recover.

For those that are upset about my VA rating. I’m sorry. I go back and forth on whether I deserve it or not, but at the end of the day, I didn’t choose it. The government decided on it. I would recommend seeing if there was anything you can do to get it bumped. You deserve it.

I was terrified to read your comments, because I knew I wrote my post in a bad head space. I’m thankful for you guys and the kind things you said. It’s helped me want to keep pushing.

Right now my daughter is young and needs a lot of supervision. We can’t afford daycare, so I watch her. Because of this I just don’t really have a lot of time for things. I know that will get better. I just try to take each day slow.

When she starts school and my the frees up, I think it might be good to look into volunteering. Something that will give me purpose. Something bigger than myself.

Thank you.