3 years in. It doesn't leave you
It does truly kill part of you over a long period of time. Parts still continue rotting. jens will never know.
I find the support for wayward's community cruel in this way. You watch as people desperately try to alleviate their slight discomfort caused by the person who is merely reacting to their life being utterly destroyed. And you know they will never be anywhere near understanding what they did. I keep hoping I'll find an example of someone having a revelation. Like I'll read posts imploring that they know what they're did and they're so incredibly sorry. And there is NOTHING of me that believes it. I think the nature of being betrayed like this is that it robs you of suspending any disbelief. And that is kind of an incredibly important part of being in community, of empathising. And I cannot do it anymore. not don't want to. cannot. I wish more than anything there was a way to relate again.
The most immediate triggers have mostly turned into slow burns, but don't conclude to some different magical healing truth. The decisions and the impact of those are still searing. They'll continue to as long as they exist without consequence. They tell me how dehumanised I am, they tell me how dismissed I am, they remind me I'm dangling off a cliff.
A lot more hope for recovery has died. That comes with an amount of relief. Nothing replaces it. its just gone. I watch other people function normally now, and know I will never feel what they feel again.