I feel like she just told me it's time
My beautiful 14yo girl has been rapidly declining over the last 6 months. She developed kidney disease and likely canine cognitive dysfunction. Due to her kidney disease, she urinates very frequently, and 90% of them are accidents. She hates the kidney diet; I have to mix in various things and offer her food 4-5 times a day since she'll only take a few bites at a time. She has also had a dramatic personality change, which has been really tough for me. I feel like she no longer loves me. She used to be incredibly affectionate, always demanded more petting, and would always come to me whenever called. Now she never seems happy to see me, seems uncomfortable when I try to pet or cuddle with her, and she will never come to me when I call. I also wonder if she has pain somewhere. She is slow to lay down and makes a groaning noise as she does so, but the vet said she seemed fine on exam. On the flip side, she still loves her walks. When I say the magic word, she gets super excited, and it made me feel like she was still enjoying at least this part of life. At 14yo, she surprisingly has excellent mobility. She has a cute trot-like walk, and everyone that sees her is surprised that she is 14. Video is from our walk last week. Unfortunately walks are the only time she seems somewhat happy.
Because she "looks" good, I felt like it wasn't her time to go yet. Until last night. I heard some noise upstairs, so I quickly ran up to find her laying on the ground on her side, frantically paddling her arms. My first thought was that she might have fallen while going up the doggie stairs to the bed and got injured. I picked her up to try to console her, but her paddling motion got faster. I put her down on the bed and the paddling soon stopped, but her entire body was tense, she looked like she had seen a ghost, and there was a little bloody foam coming from her mouth. I was terrified and was about to get ready to go to the ER when she seemed to calm down....but she was a little TOO calm. She was laying in a normal position but staring blankly ahead like she was in a daze while drooling profusely. I watched her for a few more min and she snapped out of the daze but kept drooling for another 15-20 min. Then she was back to normal and seemed like she wanted to take a nap. It then dawned on me that she just had her first seizure.
This was so hard for me to watch. I felt so helpless that I couldn't console her (before I knew what was happening). When I saw the bloody foam, I thought she was about to die. I felt a huge sense of guilt like "noooo, not like this...I didn't get to give her a proper send off." I think this was the sign I needed. It would absolutely crush me if I have to watch her have another seizure or some other big medical emergency. I would be eternally regretful if I couldn't give her a final send-off with her favorite foods.
Now I'm just struggling with getting myself ready. Timing wise, I feel like I should do it within the next few weeks, but it's so hard to just pick a date. I also just feel like I'm emotionally not ready to say goodbye, even though logically I know it's the right thing to do. Would appreciate any support or advice on how to get ready to say goodbye.