I feel angry all the time
Hi All, new to this thread. Looking for some advice..
I have a dad who is diagnosed with FTD. It’s been 3.5 years since he moved to memory care home and his decline is very sharp (to me).
I have a sister who is living in another country and a mother who divorced my dad upon the diagnosis of FTD.
Recently since August, it has been non-stop problems/issues one after another that is draining both me and my bank account. I feel so alone in his care plan because I am the one doing every. single. thing. myself. From buying his supplies, seeing his doctors, managing his care wound, arranging for doctor visits and taking time off work. It is all me. Yes I do call my sister for emotional support but thats all it is.
My sister in another country gets to just live her life. I have a life too. I want to do my own things too in my own time. But I can’t. Sometimes I am emotional and I call her to talk it out but sometimes our conversation is consistently disrupted by my nieces. It just gets annoying. She will just say “sorry you have to do this alone”. Sorry currently doesn’t solve my resentment and anger. Sorry is not an action to me.
Say last night, dad has a medical emergency. I am the one who spent time trying to find for private ambulance (as he is bed ridden now) and getting him to the ED. Wait for the doctors and test results. Spending 5 hours of my life managing this emergency and my sister? Comfortably in bed sleeping. What the hell - so i am angry and resentful. I know she is in another country and I know there is nothing she can do but seriously why tf me?
I tried to lean to my mother when shit happens and her standard response is “just let me know if you need help”. When I do ask for help, I get thrown with another standard response “I don’t know what are the details, so just do it yourself”. What the hell.
Many more incidents and I don’t know how long more can i stand. Especially with the back to back incidents in these 3 months leaving me feeling like I have no room to breathe.
I hate to feel this way. I hate that I am angry and resentful. I hate this life and experience. How do you all do this gracefully? How do you let go of anger? How do you stop feeling like you are carrying a huge burden and there is no one but you? How do you stop feeling the “why tf me?”?
Help me please.