How to get the most benefit from this neuroplastic window? C-PTSD and relational trauma
I just left a 2 year-long sexually and emotionally abusive relationship and lost all possible motive to live. I lost every single last one of my hobbies, passions, interests, academic ability, motivation, social ability, independence, anything that was mine or something to enjoy. I lost every single friend I ever had due to something along the lines of a sort of psychosis induced during/after and the depression the relationship left me in, and my entire life and emotional realm is so fundamentally destabilized to the point where I cannot function as a human being, go to classes, take care of myself, eat, sleep, breathe, anything. I am in an intensive outpatient therapy program in NYC and started IV Ketamine this week, I just got my third dose. This stuff is crazy expensive and I keep hearing about taking advantage of my neuro plasticity right now within the two week period of my first several infusions. I want to make sure this lasts, and I cannot handle the potential of it being a failure. My entire life is on the line and I want to make sure l am doing all I can to ensure the most benefit. I am journaling about my infusions experiences and revelations, and doing yoga, trying to eat properly, mediating, but l am afraid I am missing something, or that it's not enough.
What can I do or add to make sure this neuroplastic window is used to the fullest potential? It's really scary to realize that my life is truly on the line, but I am medication resistant and too emotionally distraught over the PTSD and trauma from the relationship. I can't sit down and just do a chore or a hobby without violently sobbing and shaking, I can't listen to music without panicking, and can't walk out my door without the anxiety of being chased by a lion. I need to make sure this works. I have nothing left to do if it doesn't. I was going to be admitted to the mental hospital by therapists and doctors this past June/July, but I was extremely opposed due to fear of further abuse within mental institutions and general panic around the idea, and legally, no one can force me, but I do wish I did go at the time. I am basically the surviving corpse of someone who needed to be admitted urgently, trying to survive on my own, living all alone, no friends, no family, no trusted adults but my program's therapists. These infusions are my only hope.
Please let me know what to do if you guys know, l'd appreciate it so very much. I feel very scared and unsure and I am afraid of wasting such potential to literally change my brain.