I don’t know if I wanna be a girl.
So, basically I’ve just been thinking about gender a lot, recently. Like, I don’t exactly feel comfortable being a girl.
I’ll look at certain boys and be like “Oh, I wanna look exactly like this, I wanna be him so bad.” And I’ll look at gay couples or something and I get SO extremely jealous. There’s been so many people that I’ve had to literally block on TikTok cause I’m like “I can’t stand to even look at you, cause I wanna be you so bad.”
Like I wanna be a boy, and I want all the things that come with being a boy, cause seeing boys (even trans boys) I get so jealous. Like every cool boy I see I’m like so fucking jealous that it gets annoying.
I also can’t tell if maybe I’m just attracted to them, rather than wanting to be them?
I’ve always been interested in lgbtq things, and I’ve seen myself as trans before, commited to the whole act and shit but it also doesn’t exactly fit me necessarily?
Like, I love dressing feminine and all the things that come with it, I’m just a naturally feminine person, y’know?
I love makeup, and I love doing my hair and shit.
But also, ever since I was little I hated being perceived as feminine. I hated people thinking I’m ‘weak and girly’ cause that’s how people around me perceive women. The whole ‘I need some big strong boys to put these chairs up’ grated on my nerves, I hated being perceived as weak just cause I was a girl.
But I know that me questioning my gender isn’t just because of being perceived as weak.
I struggle with gender so much, because being seen as masculine and as a boy is weird to me, because I’ve never truly been a boy, I’ve always referred to myself as she/her, it’s just not who I am y’know?
Gender has always frustrated me, and I’ve questioned mine since I was little, like literal baby like eight years old type little.
I think gender in its self is stupid and useless, gender roles are dumb. I don’t wanna be anything, i don’t wanna be a girl or a boy, i don’t wanna be feminine presenting or masculine presenting.
I just wanna exist, y’know? I wanna dress how I want, act how I wnat, without gender defining me. It’s so stupid!!
But, also, I feel like you have to have a gender though? Like it’s not an option to just be nothing—and even so, if I tried to come out as anything my parents would actually fucking hate me.
Like, my dad is always saying some homophobic shit—like he won’t allow me to watch drag race (my fav show) in front of him, and calls the people on the show f slurs, and one of my moms friends were gay, and he said a bunch of weird shit to him. They turn shows when same sex couples are kissing, didn’t watch euphoria purely because of Jules being in it, And my parents are very Christian, and pull the whole ‘love the sinner not the sin’ bullshit
But I don’t wanna be the fucking sinner?! I don’t want them to see me different, I wanna exist without my whole life being controversial to them.
You’re a leftist? Disgusting, you’re feeding into liberal propaganda. You don’t support ice? Liberal propaganda? You support drag queens? Liberal propaganda, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
I just wanna love a boy, or love a girl, or love anyone in between and not be a girl loving a girl or a boy loving a boy or a girl loving a boy, or whatever. I just wanna be me loving someone.
Like I love the queer community, it’s become a safe place for me, and I know I’m pansexual, but the gender stuff is so confusing!!
And it makes it worse that literally no one I know will support me. No one, my friends are either homophobic or transphobic or whatever, and then so are my parents.
Even though my best friend ‘larps’ being bi but refused to date a girl, and just likes the aesthetic. Her, and everyone else Is transphobic. And she doesn’t even support sexuality’s outside of the lgbt line up.
Ugahhshshs rhis is so annoying and confusing!!