A Warning About Cult Recruitment at Cal
**PSA for Cal students: there may be cultists among us.**
They will not call themselves cultists. They will call themselves “an informal study group,” hand you a hot dog bun with no hot dog, and mention—only casually—that the University was founded in 1969 by a golden apple.
At first, it’s harmless: a zine, a strange flyer, a conversation about whether pigeons are government agents. Then they invite you to a “non-mandatory” meeting at 5:55 beneath a suspiciously triangular tree. You go once because you are lonely and they have snacks.
Three weeks later, they explain that the snacks were spiritually free but the *awakening* has a suggested donation of $23.17. You pay it, because they say it goes toward “printing,” although you have never seen a printer.
Soon there are additional fees:
* The Non-Dog Bun Tithe
* Golden Apple Maintenance
* A $5 charge for access to the group’s sacred Discord server
* “Emergency chaos dues,” somehow always due during finals
At that point, you may discover that they are Discordians.
Not all weird campus groups are cults. Some are merely weird and have a Venmo. Still, be cautious if anyone:
* Says there is no hierarchy, then asks why you have not paid the Supreme Non-Leader
* Claims money is an illusion, but Venmo is extremely real
* Tells you your family cannot understand your vibration, but can absolutely co-sign a loan
* Pressures you to attend increasingly elaborate rituals with a “suggested contribution”
* Explains every objection as proof that the Illuminati have contaminated your pineal gland with capitalism
If approached, ask whether the $23.17 is tax-deductible. While they debate whether taxes are an Archonic fiction, leave.
Hail Eris. Keep your receipts.