Very Worried: Need help understanding if I am experiencing withdrawal or simply just losing my mind.
Hey everyone, this is my first time posting here, and I would like to apologize in advance for the very long post, but I am becoming increasingly more worried about some certain feelings I am experiencing. I feel It's going to take a bit for me to give you all the information, so please be patient and bear with me. I'm very scared at the moment and don't really know what is going on in my body. I will put numbers in front of certain paragraphs. Paragraphs 1, 2 and 3 are my entire psychiatric backstory, and you do not have to read them fully to understand my problem. Paragraph 4 is going to be where I explain my current struggle and is the main reason for posting here. Paragraph 5 will be with mainly my questions and fears I guess.
So, for context, I will first give you an insight about my past years. I am a 28 (currently) years old woman, born and raised in Romania and moved to Iceland about 3 years ago (I was 25). Around the age of 20 I got into drugs. mostly weed and stimulants (like MDMA, speed, mephedrone and XTC pills) and the occasional psychedelic. I was never addicted to any of those substances at the time, it was mostly just partying, but I did have multiple incidents where I would think I'm close to ODing and I would end up calling ambulances for myself since panic would suddenly take over me. Most of the time, the doctors caring for me at the hospital told me that those were panic attacks from drug use, and not actual ODs. Soon after, when I was around 23, I had a major panic attack which triggered me to suffer from short term PTSD, and even though the attack itself resolved, I remained in a constant state of fear that it could happen again, and with a general anxiety that made me be constantly aware of the way I breathe combined with a need to take big breaths of air every few minutes. Even drinking a coffee in the morning would instantly send me panicking. So I sought professional help, from a psychiatrist I was already in contact with from a previous depressive episode I had a few years back. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and anxiety, with BPD tendencies for which I started doing therapy as well. He put me on a two week Diazepam "diet" (starting from a low dose, increasing up to 10mgs, and then decreasing it again until I was off) and then slowly added Escitalopram (honestly, I don't remember the quantity I was on, but I think it got increased up to 15-20mgs/day), Gabapentin 1200mgs/day (split into 3 doses of 400mgs throughout the day) and Mirtazapine 30mgs/day before bed. The Diazepam “diet” fixed most of the anxiety, PTSD and breathing issues, and then I generally responded pretty well to my treatment. My psychiatrist would also occasionally prescribe me 10mgs pills of Diazepam just to have with me, usually around 10 pills, which I would exclusively use in the event of a major panic attack. We first tried Xanax, which I did not like too much because if I happened to have a panic attack early in the day and then take it (even low doses under 1mg) I’d end up being too tired to do anything throughout the day. Diazepam wouldn't have this much of a sedating effect on me, it resolved my attacks while still keeping me able to function properly the rest of the day. I would really want to take a bit of time here to emphasize something important that might help later; I have never misused benzodiazepine medications. I never took a pill just to get high. Those were my emergency medications in case of too severe panic attacks. I did not rely on them most of the time, and I would refill those 10 pills once every 4-5-6 months. Some panic attacks were manageable without Diazepam, but some of them would send my heart rate up to 200. When I had that major panic attack that caused me to have PTSD, the EMS guys took my heart rate before taking me to the hospital and it was 240. They were pretty shocked themselves. So those were the severe events in which I would need Diazepam. Sometimes I could manage an attack without it, and sometimes I could feel the attack might develop into a severe one and that’s when I’d take my Diazepam; so I don’t end up going there.
After the age of 23 I unfortunately developed an eating disorder, for which I also sought help immediately from my psychiatrist. That’s when I was switched from Escitalopram to Venlafaxine (which was increased to 300mgs/day), Gabapentin and Mirtazapine stayed the same, and a bit later Bupropion (300mgs/day) was also added to help me be more generally focused. The Diazepam situation also remained the same. I did eventually beat the eating disorder, and that’s when I decided to move to Iceland.
After coming to Iceland, my treatment stayed the same, except the Diazepam, which doctors here refuse to prescribe with all their might. I have had countless major panic attacks that resulted in me calling ambulances and being transported to the hospital, and I would not even get any form of benzodiazepine to calm me down during my stay, ending up sending me home still distressed. At some point, maybe a year into my stay in Iceland, I made the brainless decision of stopping my treatment completely without consulting with my psychiatrist at all, and only kept my Mirtazapine before bed. I also started smoking weed daily, which I am still doing to this day (around 0.5-1g/day). Coming off Venlafaxine was horrendous, but I tapered off slowly (by dissolving quarters of pills in 10mls of water and drinking like, 1ml daily through a syringe lol) and eventually went off fully from everything except the Mirtazapine and weed. This only lasted a few months unfortunately, because my BPD and mood swings were acting out badly, so I restarted my treatment again, on my own. Because my Venlafaxine was 300mgs I could at most start with 150mgs which is obviously high for a “first time”, and the side effects while I adjusted to the medication were horrendous. But alas, I eventually did this too. It started going pretty well again, until summer 2025. I started experiencing the brain zaps specific to Venlafaxine withdrawals, even though I was taking my daily dose as prescribed. I went to my GP in Iceland, tried multiple ways of taking it, and nothing was working so I ended up asking him to switch me to Duloxetine, since it has a much longer half time. The switch went well and the zaps disappeared. At an appointment later on, while complaining about some general anxiety and trying some more to obtain some form of benzodiazepine, my GP decided to try Pregabalin (225mgs/day split into three doses of 75mgs).
Fast forward to today; I am currently on 60mgs/day of Duloxetine, 225mgs/day of Pregabalin and 30mgs/day of Mirtazapine, plus I also smoke weed daily. Since being switched on Pregabalin (summer 2025), I haven’t really taken it as prescribed. Because it’s tightly regulated here, my Icelandic GP isn’t a fan of having to renew the prescription earlier than usual, so if I had days in which I’d want to get a bit high on it (like take 300-600mgs) then I would compensate by having days in which I’d take less than prescribed (like only one pill of 75mgs). I know this is not ideal, and am fully aware it might interfere with my treatment. I did always try and make sure not to miss doses, so that I do not get any withdrawal symptoms since I noticed Pregabalin withdrawals are much more intense than Gabapentin, which really never gave me withdrawals if I missed a dose. The problem regarding what is going on now might not be related to the Pregabalin though. A few months ago I started having terrible back pain, and I was passed down to multiple doctors, only to never really reach a conclusion. So I have started self medicating with Oxycodone. It was not my first time with this substance, I have tried it before merely as a means to get high occasionally (maybe I’d do it like, once a month) but this time I think I went a bit overboard. Around February/March/April this year is when I think I started to do it too much. It’s a bit hard for me to tell the quantities exactly. I would have 80mgs pills that I would break in half, and would do around half a pill a day, by crushing it and snorting (not an entire half at once, but split into multiple lines throughout the day). I always tried having breaks in between taking, so sometimes I would do Oxy for 2 days, then I would take a break for 2 days, sometimes it’s been longer, sometimes shorter, but unfortunately I think I did consume consistently in that pattern. I forgot to mention that in December last year I lost my job (unrelated to drugs or anything like that) and have been trying to find something new since then. So I have been very sedentary and bored, and I guess at this point that the Oxy I was doing was more out of boredom rather than pain, since that is much better as of a few weeks ago. The problem is that it’s very hard for me to approximate exactly when I started, and how many days would pass between the breaks I’d take. I am also not a very big fan of how the Oxy makes me feel; I am not that euphoric per se when I do it, and I find the adverse effects like the itching and the nausea rather off putting. So I stopped doing Oxy completely a bit over a week ago (maybe around 7, 8 or 9 of May). On the 10th of May, I woke up and shortly after, I started to have extreme anxiety. Like a sudden burst of some sort of absolutely horrible and intense fear of something and a complete panic that this feeling will remain like this forever. Since I do not have any sort of benzodiazepine, I was just stuck in this for hours, until I thought that maybe, it’s opioid withdrawal. Now, what completely panics me is that during that day I did a bit of Oxy to see if my symptoms subside, so I can know if I am indeed feeling withdrawal or something else. There was no change in my feelings of panic. The only thing that really helped is around 10-11pm I took double of my normal dose of Mirtazapine, in hopes it will knock me out enough to be able to eventually fall asleep. Around the time the drowsiness specific to Mirtazapine hit me, that horrible feeling I had started to subside and I was finally able to feel relieved for a couple hours until I eventually fell asleep. Next day (11th of May), I woke up, and a bit after doing so that horrible feeling started again. I tried to wait it out for a few hours, and when it didn’t go away, I decided to go to the hospital, and be straightforward, explain everything to them, and seek answers. After 6 hours of waiting and only having my blood pressure taken, I was sent back home. I did not receive a definitive answer on what’s going on, whether it’s withdrawals or not. After I got back home, around 12am, I took my Mirtazapine and was once again feeling relieved enough to go to bed. On the 12th of May the same thing happened; I woke up and shortly after I started having this extreme anxiety take over me. I tried to wait it out for a few hours and it did not pass, and I eventually thought “what if I take 15mgs of Mirtazapine and see if it works” considering it seemed to be relieving my anxiety before bed. I took it and within an hour and a half most of my symptoms subsided, but unfortunately it also made me so sleepy I ended up taking a power nap. I did wake up after an hour or so and then went on with the rest of my day without that horrible anxiety. Keep in mind that even in the moments in which I am “sober” from those horrid feelings I am still in a bit of a worry about the fact that it will just end up coming back the next day. But I am much more positive overall in those moments of clarity, which I guess helps. Like, in those moments I think that this will go away eventually, but then when the panic comes back I feel 100% sure that something happened in my brain and I’m gonna end up like this forever. 13th of May started no differently, with that horrible anguish of a feeling, so this time I took 7.5mgs of Mirtazapine, and waited it out for 2-3 hours to pass, which it did. This time I didn’t fall into a nap, but I was overall tired all day until eventually I took my normal Mirtazapine dose and went to bed. 14th of May went exactly the same as 13, with disturbing anxiety for some hours followed by me eventually calming down and doing things here and there to keep me occupied. On the 15th of May, when I woke up once again feeling like the end is coming, I realised that just taking Mirtazapine like that is probably not a great idea so I managed to find someone to sell me Bromazepam 6mgs. I could only afford buying 4 of them since they are extremely expensive and also heavily regulated, so finding someone who actually had a benzo that is not sold in a ziplock bag was pretty hard. They are from the brand Lexotanil, completely sealed, expiring in 2027. I took 1.5mgs as a starting dose, then about an hour later I started to feel just a bit drowsy, that bad feeling still being there, and then I took an additional 1.5mgs and another hour after I finally felt relieved and able to function properly for the rest of the day. I even went out, cooked some food, and spent time with a friend. Went to bed after my Mirtazapine. 16th of May started the same unfortunately, so I took a direct 3mgs dose of Bromazepam, and symptoms were relieved within a couple hours. It is now the 17th of May, and upon waking up at around 12pm the terrible anxiety sensation started shortly after. I had taken 3mgs of Bromazepam when I woke up, and up until 3pm there were no noticeable changes. I took another 1.5mgs dose of Broma, and one 7.5mgs Mirtazapine at 16pm. It is currently 6pm as I am writing this bit, and all I can say is that I’m barely better, very very tired, still a bit shaky from the anxiety, and I really do not want to be taking any more Bromazepam than this today. I will also be having a flight back home to Romania and I will be leaving Iceland tomorrow night and arrive in Romania on the 19th in the morning. I’ll be travelling for a total of 9 hours, with one stopover to change the flights. I am completely terrified of travelling in this state, but I know I have to do it since I am going to get proper medical help in my home country. My most distress comes also from the fact that I don’t know whether this is Oxycodone withdrawal or not. When I am in a moment of clarity, I feel like it’s mostly that, but whenever the anxiety and deep troubled state start happening, I am thinking what if it’s not withdrawal and something really fucked up just happened in my brain. This constant fear is debilitating. I have dealt with panic attacks in the past, but none ever lasted longer than an hour at most, and definitely not for so many multiple days. Another thing that scared me is that I just went now (in between writing this) to an emergency medical and explained EVERYTHING with the Oxy as I explained here, and the doctor said she thinks this is most probably not withdrawal since it has already passed a week since I last took it. Then there’s also the fact that that line I did when the symptoms first started didn’t help. It is so hard to describe this feeling I have at the moment. I read that Oxycodone withdrawal is mostly felt in the morning (which is what I also noticed with my feelings), but that is because people who are weaning off it with other opioid medications just don’t take their replacements during the night because they sleep. I basically went cold turkey so there is no reason why I’d have more intense withdrawal symptoms in the morning (I guess?). I also read that Mirtazapine can be good for opioid withdrawal and since I noticed it did seem to ease my symptoms after taking it for sleep this makes me think that maybe this is opioid withdrawal? Since the 10th of May, when it all started to happen, I started to also take Magnesium Citrate 400mgs, D vitamin 4000 IU and Fish Oil with Omega 3 2000mgs (all those taken in the morning, upon waking up). I noticed that this entire week I yawned a lot and whenever I yawn I get teary eyes and a bit of a runny nose, but other than this I do not have any flu like symptoms. I feel a general state of nausea, and I have a bit of diarrhoea when I wake up. The nausea is more intense as the wave of anxiety intensifies, and then goes away when the wave becomes more mild. This extreme dysphoric anxiety comes in some sort of waves, and as the wave builds up I also get hot flushes in my body but my hands and feet are pretty cold and it’s also when the nausea feels a bit more intense. Then the wave goes down a bit and the hot flush kind of goes away for a bit and all that tension in my body feels a bit relieved, but then moments later another wave of anxiety comes. And it just keeps going on like this until later in the day when I finally get some peace. The problem is, I am currently in so much constant distress, that I know all those symptoms could also be happening because of the panicked state I’m in, so I am really unsure whether that’s the case or not. The yawning could be from the Mirtazapine, especially taken during the day, the nausea can be from the panic, the diarrhoea can be a mix of the Magnesium and the general distress, so really, I have no idea what I am going through right now. I also have some light tremors and am a bit tachycardic, especially during the intense waves of dysphoria. I also feel like I am constantly bloated, and my appetite is basically non-existent. I am trying to stay hydrated as much as possible, I stopped drinking caffeine, but I am still smoking weed. The weed at this point has been a constant in my life for the past 3 years, so I have no idea if it makes any change at this point. But I do feel generally bad when I haven’t smoked in a while so I don’t really think it’s a good idea to add on to that as well.
Does anyone have any idea what I might be going through? It is now a bit over 8:00pm, and I’m still extremely tired but too tachycardic to rest properly. During this entire last week I’d say I got more than enough sleep. I sleep for around 12 hours a night which is a lot, and obviously wake up tired just to face this ordeal all over again. I’ve also only been taking one 75mgs Pregabalin daily, because I used a lot at the beginning of this month so now I have to take less since I can’t renew it earlier than normal. In 24 hours from now I will need to be able to travel, so absolutely any recommendations that anyone could possibly have to make my life easier or to give me some peace of mind would be infinitely appreciated.