Lost -$250k trading all time and got a $2k payout today. I'm so happy
Don't need hate. I know I gamble. I've also had a great system for years (VWAP mean reversion) but I'm a deeply addictive, insecure person with financial trauma. $100k of it was in my first year with options and penny stocks. Lost it instantly. The rest has been a slow bleed in futures since like 2019 trying out prop and individual accounts. I've never been able to hold onto money despite having $5k, $13k, $20k and even $42k day in a individual account but I always gave it back. It's been a bad wrestle of my psyche around money growing up with problems, losing our house and trying to prove myself since. I have a tech job paying around $200k and still I feel like that kid who never has enough compared to every other kid.
Trading has been a stressful addiction, but also an illuminating journey of healing my financial trauma. And now it's simply an awareness of the monkey mind and general impulse control (which I'm bad at with everything ...diet, phone, porn).
Not only am I finally getting more serious, but I made two simple and monumental changes that instantly showed massive improvement in success.
Leaving Topstep. MFFU, and all other firms, have such better rules. I'll look at is as a blessing that I was able to get payout eligibility with significantly more difficult Funded account parameters. But of course, always gave it back cause I was craving the "max payout" and not stability.
Platform. My trading in tradovate, where I can view live stats, distance to drawdown, placing orders on the chart have been great.
I've blown through a few dozen mffu accounts in the past month but I've already had massive days ($23k) and payout eligibility a handful of times. While I of course gave them back, and am gambling on top many accounts, this setup is so much easier.
This whole post is not to preach advice (clearly, I'm still I'm gambling mode) but to journal to myself and any others. It truly is something you shouldn't quit, you just need to have blind faith in the math of your system, take off all pressure and guilt on your shoulders, and materialize your worth through payouts.
Hope to report back soon with more money in my pocket