Questions from the beginning of the road
Hello everyone. I’m posting because I’m feeling a little lost and unsure where to talk about this. Certainly no one in my real life can handle this with me.
I’m very much at the beginning of whatever this is for me. I haven’t talked to a doctor or a urologist or surgeons, I haven’t made decisions, and I’m not even sure what direction my feelings ultimately point toward. I’m also aware that many people here are much farther along in their journeys than I am, whether that means seriously pursuing surgery or already living post-op.
But for a while now, more than a decade, I’ve had recurring thoughts and feelings around nullification or zero-depth vaginoplasty, becoming soft and delicate down there, and the idea of existing differently in my body keep resurfacing. Sometimes the feelings are emotional, sometimes erotic, sometimes calming, sometimes confusing. I don’t fully understand them yet, but they ramped up big time six months ago to a degree I had not previously experienced
What makes this harder is that I’m afraid to talk to my therapist about it. Not because they’re cruel, but because I worry I’ll sound ridiculous, fetishistic, impulsive, or “not serious enough” to even bring it up. I don’t feel like I fit neatly into the narratives I usually see online.
I guess what I’m asking is: were any of you once at this uncertain, early stage? How did you begin sorting out what was fantasy, symbolism, identity, dysphoria, curiosity, sexuality, or something deeper? And how did you find someone safe to talk to before you knew what you wanted?
I’m not looking for medical advice right now so much as human conversation and perspective. I need to see outside of myself.
Thank you for reading.