u/smiyyu

hi all. a follow up on my previous post which i’ve linked here

so i had the surgery yesterday at 4pm, it is currently 5am the following day. to say i am heartbroken is an understatement, i have not stopped crying since i woke up.

firstly, the open myomectomy was unsuccessful. my surgeon only got 1-2 fibroids as i was bleeding too heavily. he stopped the surgery as i either would have needed a hysterectomy or would have died from blood loss.

secondly, the surgeon told me he would much prefer to do a horizontal bikini cut, however after viewing with a camera via laparoscopy, due to the placement and size of my fibroids, a vertical incision was made. i was aware this was a possibility but didn’t care as i really wanted them all out.

third, the surgeon advised that due to the severe distortion of my uterus and placement of my fibroids, i will never be able to have children. given an embryo could even implant, there is no way a pregnancy would be viable and carry to term in such an environment.

this has broken my heart. i did this surgery because living with fibroids has exhausted me, and because i so desperately want to have kids.
i’ve come out of it with pretty much all my fibroids in tact, a 13cm vertical incision which is much more difficult and long to recover from, and the news that i will never bear children.

to top it off i was told an open myomectomy would dispel pretty much all the gas from the laparoscopy. but i have been up since 2.30am and it’s currently 5.15am, partly due to emotional distress and partly due to the gas. the crying hurts real bad but i cant seem to stop. they’ve given me gaviscon (degas) and ive taken palexia.

i feel so betrayed by my own body.

what do you mean i’ve had major surgery with a vertical incision which is much harder and longer to recover from, but i still have most of my fibroids?

an open cut meant to dispel gas but here i am at 5am crying bc the gas pain is terrible?

every time i close my eyes i have these dreams that make me cry. i hope so badly to go to sleep and wake up to it all being a bad dream.

my husband is my angel. his support and love have been unwavering, he has told me from the very start it’s the two of us no matter what outcome. and yet i feel so guilty that i can’t fulfil our dream of having kids. i apologised to him last night and he cried so much and told me to never ever say sorry to him for this. i know logically it’s not something i can control but fucking hell i still feel so angry at myself.

the surgeon advised that there is a chance to freeze some of my eggs. only, there are so many fibroids and my uterus/fallopian tubes/ovaries are so cramped that they would not be able to get to my ovaries without performing a full hysterectomy. if they tried to remove fibroids to get to my ovaries, i would bleed out and die.

my older sister has 3 beautiful healthy children. she told be before the surgery and again upon waking that she will carry my children for me. i am so grateful to her and my supportive family. i’m not sure what route we will take as i will need to heal fully before doing anything.

i just don’t understand.

i’m 29. healthy. i thought this would help me get on track and begin the journey to motherhood.

it’s not the fault of the surgeon, not the myomectomy, that i blame at all. this would have been my reality regardless of surgery.

sorry for the long post. i don’t think ive ever been this distraught in my life. i’m trying to have hope but it’s so fucking difficult lying here in pain knowing in 2 weeks i’m going to get my period and deal with the burden of fibroids on top of recovery.

i’m sharing here because i know some of you will understand. i’m so thankful no one in my life has gone through this but it is really really isolating and i don’t know what to do or how to think.

how can i go back to normal life after this? what does work matter? my mortgage? what for if not for the future my husband and i have been working so so so hard to build for our children?

yikes i wrote a lot. but the journal factory blew up lol so i had no choice.

if you’ve read this far, thank you.