u/spamilala

Hiii🙂, i got my first ketamin via IV 2 days ago. I have depression, moderate ME/CFS, POTS, ADD, social anxiety and I am VERY analytical.

It was quite intense. I never have taken any drugs, other than alkohol and weed.

Dose was 0,3mg/kg, quite low for my understanding.

I was laying there, not knowing, if it already started. As doctor answered apparently yes.

Suddenly my head was spinning intensly.
"Had it already started", "is this normal".
My throat suddenly felt like I was unable to swallow and breath and if my throat was swelling. Also my left eye was having a glitch, and with some kind of periodically lightnings, it unintentionally blinked and squeezed together.

My body felt like it was in a big swirl and bent. I told myself, to let lose and surrender, like my doctor and reddit adviced. I wasn't able to flow with the swirl, but I wasn't outside of it either. It was like 50:50 dissociated:still in my body.

At some point i got a surge of panic: "is it supposed to be that way", "aaaahhh", "whohaaaa, that is very fast", "should i say the doctor to stop it?". I managed to open my eyes and wittnessed, that the doctor is in the room. "ah, i am still in the room". I think i have taken a few breaths which assured me, that I am somehow okay and will get through this somehow.

The hole time i was thinking, if the experience really has started, or if i making it up and exaggerating. And if it is a good or bad experience and what I will tell the doctor afterward (as i said, I am very analytical and very concerned, what people think of me).
I thought the experience is wild, but not good or bad ... again exactly 50:50. And this for itself is positive.

At some times i was asking myself, if I still have hands and a mouth (because of this post). I was able to try to smile, but was unsure, if it looked strange for my doctor. So i tried to squeeze my fingers together, which was hard, but possible. "ahh, i still am in the room and somehow okay"

This thoughts happened so fast, I almost can't follow and I was very unsure, if I can keep going at this tremendous speed, at it was soooooooooo fast and also like all this strands of thought felt almost simultaniously. It felt, like I almost pass out from the speed.

In the meantime i was very annoyed from the splashing water sounds and bird thirping, as they were distracting.

I kept saying "let lose", "just surrender", "melt away" to myself and tried to get in the swirl, my body was in, and get in this pleasant flowy state, everybody is talking about. But i was 50% in 50% out of it, just in the middle. Still thinking about, if this is a good experience. I was just thinking ... "This is W E E I I R D!!!". And "now i get, what feeling loopy means".

I think my dose was too low, as i was still feeling too much of my body. Although I think for the first session it was good, because i was able to ground myself, by blinking my eyes open and squeezing my fingers. I am not sure, if I wouldn't landed in bad khole land otherwise. But from what i have read, especially this 50:50 state can be unpleasant, as you feel too much of the body, but are not enough dissociated to let loose.

"I am still in it?", "is it over?", "is the doctor still in the room"? I blinked and I saw my doctor is not here, and i could relax a bit and take the eye mask down. That was W E E I I R D! I was glad it was over. My thoughts were still shooting at me, but my body was more calm. I tried to sit up, but failed.

I was very hooked, on the tought, that is was a neutral experience. Not good, not bad. And everything is not good, not bad, but in a good, calm way. It seemed my inner alarm, I have from POTS and anxiety was turned of.

My doctor seemed a little bit stunned, that this dose had this much effect on me. Beforehand he was stating, that it probably will be like a slight rush (i guess alcohol rush).

I was going into the nearby park, and it seemed the "what others think of me"-thoughts also lost there alarmingness. I was still thinking "can i make a selfie", "do they think i am strange or a drug addict, when i put on the hood from my hoody" but the attached feeling of fear wasn't active. Also my higher heart rate from POTS happend without the inner panic.
This missing inner alarm felt MASSIVE for me. Sadly it lasted only a few hours.

Hope this is interesting to anybody.

Was it pleasant? -> no
Was it okay? yes
Was it scary? Somehow, not more than a bad, bad nightmare.
Was ist worth it? I am pretty sure.
But it was VERY intense.

Is it "normal" or just happens sometimes, that everything is happening soooo fast?
It was like sitting in a skyrocket and the exeleration of the start never ended, tied do the feeling, of not even knowing, if the skyrocket even started for real or how long, it will keep going.

edit: in the title "thought speed skyrocketed" would be more suitable