Need some encouragement and advice from seasoned social workers
Hey everyone,
I've debated making this post a million times, and I guess I finally got the courage to go through with it tonight. I'm an MSW student who will be graduating next month. I know I should feel excited, but frankly I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and dread. I don't have anyone to talk to about what's been going through my head, so I'm hoping reddit can help me with finding some advice. Throwaway account for obv reasons.
Given my own trauma and lived experiences, I've always known I wanted to go into this field and help others. When I was in high school, I tried my hardest to show up for others and be the 'therapist friend'. When I was in undergrad, I volunteered with several clubs revolving around mental health. My gap years before starting my MSW were a bit rough because I started working frontline social services for the first time, but I gradually got better...right before I graduated, my supervisor told me I was one of the best case managers on the team. But something happened to me after starting this program. I genuinely don't know what it is, but...I feel like I've lost my spark and my abilities to be a good social worker at any capacity. Even though I'm 25, the social awkwardness from my teen years has somehow returned 10-fold, and I never feel like I know what to say to people when they confide in my anymore. I have no clue how I got through my placement, and I question every day why my friends still confide in me, and whether I was ever actually any help to them. In moments of high pressure/ crisis, I literally feel my brain go blank and numb, and I feel so useless. Lately I've been noticing myself getting more reactive/ easily dysregulated as well, and I have no clue why. All my old insecurities are coming back, and although I'd assumed being an MSW student would make me better at handling them, I'm afraid that hasn't been the case.
The cherry on the top...is that it's kind of been my dream to go into crisis services :') Maybe calling it my dream is too far-fetched -- I don't feel passionate about anything at the moment -- but it's definitely a skill set I know I want to grow and get comfortable using. I'd always hoped I could join an ACT team or Mobile Crisis Response team someday, but with the way things are panning out, I don't know if that's a realistic goal anymore. I don't know what's next for me in this career I just spent thousands of dollars on, and I feel really defeated. I know I have low self-esteem, but I genuinely worry I will disappoint my future clients, co-workers and supervisors at this rate. I feel embarrassed having to even type this all out, but I'd rather do this now and get some help from you guys than flail once I'm actually responsible for peoples' well-beings.
Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Do any of you have success stories for me, or perhaps some suggestions on how I can conquer my social awkwardness (for real, this time) and improve my crisis response skills? Alternatively, do you think I should just quit while I'm ahead and go into something at the mezzo- or macro-level of social work?
Any and all feedback is welcome. Just, please be kind :')