u/toxicute_xx

I just moved to the Netherlands, and I’m blown away by the legally available options.

I have unmedicated ADHD. Sometimes, I used to take “Adderall” (not really, but yk) so I could focus on my hobby, which is writing. Here, there are so many legal and natural alternatives. I’ve added a bunch of stuff to my cart, but obviously, I don’t want to buy everything. What do you recommend?

(Bonus question: What is the easiest way to get “Adderall” without having to go to a party, and without connections? I’ve already met some dudes in the Red Light District offering C and E out in the open, but I’m not sure if I can trust them. And I also don’t live in Amsterdam.)

I'm just curious, since I write, but also read quite a lot and I very rarely notice another author's username among the people who kudosed the fics I'm reading.

(Before anyone jumps at me: I'm simply just curious. No shade to anyone whether you read or not. I check the kudos list looking for mutuals, not for some imaginary scenario to get mad about.)

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(TLDR: I'm burnt out. Help.)

I want to write. I like writing. I really do. It’s fun. Or… it was fun. Not even that long ago.

Fortunately, my hyperfixation is still very much at its peak, so the problem isn’t there. I’m still obsessed with my guys, and I have a bunch of ideas I want to create with them.

But lately (maybe over the past 1–3 months? I’m not even sure), I’ve noticed that I’ve started treating something that’s supposed to be my hobby like a fucking job.
“I shouldn’t skip too many days without writing.”
“If I only manage 400 words in a day, that’s unacceptable.”
“I need to finish this whole fic in time.”
“I need to hit x words for a chapter/one-shot.”
And so on…

Especially the last two. Those are my exact thoughts every damn time I want to write. And when I don’t, the guilt kicks in, telling me I should be writing.

I recently started a new fic that, based on my outline, will probably end up somewhere between 8–16 chapters, depending on the word count. I’m the type of person who prefers to pre-write and then post on a schedule. With my last longfic, I had 5 chapters prewritten (out of 16) when I started posting. Even though I managed to stick to my schedule, it was way too stressful, so this time, I want to finish the whole thing before I start posting.

But it’s a very summery, vacation-themed fic, so ideally I’d like to publish it during the summer. I’m just worried I won’t finish it in time, and if I don’t, people won’t read it in the fall.

I love this idea. I’m writing about my favorite characters in one of my favorite places in the world. This should be a passion project. But all I see are numbers. Not even engagement. Just word counts and deadlines.

For something that’s supposed to be fun.

When I first started writing, I did it because I enjoyed it and wanted to tell a story. That’s the same reason I picked it up again about half a year ago.

A few days ago, I sat in the garden with my laptop and a glass of wine to write. Today, I went to a nature reserve for the same reason. And still, I can’t seem to focus on the fun part, just the made-up rules, deadlines, and pressure.

At one point, I even made a rule for myself: don’t touch Google Docs for three days straight, no matter how tempting it is. Just take a break.

That didn’t help either.

It feels good to vent about my own fucked-up brain, but is there a solution to this? I really want to bring these stories in my head to life. I have so many ideas, and they just keep growing. I know I enjoy the actual process of writing, too.

But it feels like I’m burnt out.

And I want my hobby back.