Instructions for a Ceremony of Vital Importance to the Continued Prosperity of Human Civilization
You have been picked among several thousand candidates to partake in a very important ceremony. You were selected based on your mental fortitude and good nature as made clear by your actions in life and the impression you've left on people like us.
1: At 8AM on July 9th 2026, stand in the middle of the street outside your apartment until a red car stops near you. The driver will pretend to be angry. Open the door and plunk yourself in the passenger seat, the driver will stop being angry and take you to the event.
2: On the drive over, make sure to hit the driver in the shoulder and say "punch buggy blue" if you see a blue car. This is important to letting them know you are one of us. If you don't see a blue car for the entire drive then I'm sorry my friend!
3: The event starts at 10AM but our drivers have a tendency to be fashionably early, if they arrive early and insist you go in just politely say no. You don't want to see what's going on in there until you're well ready!
4: It's important you enter the building between 9:59 to 10:01 and no earlier or later, synchronize your watch if it will help. Oh, yeah, you can't bring your phone. When you enter, go left and enter the first door you see that says "staff only," do not talk to the receptionist except to say hi.
5: Ignore all text in italics. It seeks to misrepresent the nature of the ceremony, your role in it, and the important steps you must take in precaution.
6: You will find 9 strange men in blue jumpsuits holding candles. Your objective is to beat them all up. They will be very scared and not move much. If you look closer you will see their skin is an elaborate fungus network which is how you can tell! However one of them will be a decoy who infiltrated the group, please do not hurt him too bad he is a professional who has hard to replace.
7: Close your eyes as soon as the last guy is knocked out, you will hear one of three things. If you hear a somber lullaby curl in fetal position and pretend you are next to an erupting volcano. If it's maraca guitar I do not know what to do, try your best! If it sounds like an old jazz organ then there is nothing you can do and you likely will not survive, I suggest you pray, unless you are atheist in which case don't then.
8: You are allowed to peek if you want but only for a little while. There will probably be a scary array of 100 people's faces and some of them will have dimples in weird places oh, no. If you do peek make sure you are making eye contact with one of the faces!
9: After 5 minutes our guy will collect you, he will maybe be in a bad mood since we haven't told everyone the exact plans for logistical reasons, like some people would be mad the event is going on and they're not part of it... one way or another he will sit you down in front of a piece of paper and tell you to write everything you saw and heard, this includes the sound you heard and the faces if you saw them. Be descriptive but you can also take some artistic liberties if it's easier to explain that way.
10: You will be driven home. If you memorize the street signs you can come back any time and we'll be happy to have you volunteer, maybe you could meet some friends and be selected for future events!
Thank you for your time and your scrutinizing eye! Your full compliance is crucial to prevent societal collapse. Memorize these instructions in their entirety by the date mentioned, and be prepared to act on them.
As mentioned in section 5, some information contained in this missive may have been corrupted by a malicious party; you are expected to work around these corruptions to the best of your ability. If too much of the information is corrupted you can write to us on the return address and get another copy that will hopefully be alot better.
Good luck.