u/umbrella_braiN

Since there's no one around me to understand what I'm going through, I'm back here to pour my heart out to the only place i feel safe venting at.

I've been my FWP's primary(or you could say more invested) caregiver for the past four and half years, the full time i was doing my bachelor's in computer science. i have shown everyone I'm really strong and did studies properly but truth is I didn't let anyone see how i have declined horribly in these years, mentally physically and cognitively. interrupted sleep every night for years has taken a toll on my academics but i couldn't ask anyone for help, especially i made sure to not disturb my mom since she works extremely hard to make ends meet. I've also worked hard but I've got dumber and when i realised i should give up and change major it was way too late and my mom would be extremely pissed and more stressed. but now after a long battle I'll be graduating with cgpa 3.3 out of 4 and that will get me a job nowhere let alone Masters. I'll obv still try and give my best to find something that is suitable for me. but I'm so scared to tell mom that im not even getting a 3.5 after all those all nighters. i cant tell her i keep getting more and more exhausted as time goes on but i couldnt even bother to ask her for help when she works so hard.

i don't know how i will continue life the moment i graduate. I don't know how i will face everyone who knew the brilliant me. I had big plans and ambitions, but by the 3rd year i was just burnt out and pushing through somehow.

sometimes my dad will stay up too late because of some unwanted disruptions in meds timing, then I'll have to stay up too, even if I've been awake with him since morning. i have lots of these 19hour days, on my feet and alert all day. Then at night when he'll finally calm down and I try to put him to bed from a washroom visit or sth, he'll point to the outside of the room with the most horrified expression and even though i know it's probably nothing but still get scared cuz obv it could be the other case too 😅 and then when I'm assured there's nothing and carry on with my remaining tasks alone, I'll often see some shadows (sometimes black, sometimes white, sometimes like insects) and I'll see those while my eyes are dry, sore and burning from the exhaustion. added with heart beating very loud and being little dizzy

anyone else in experience this?

I'm in early 20s, final year of college. I'm studying something i thought was gonna be safe to land a job right after graduating, but deep into it, after suffering with the major core courses i understood i suck at this and it was too late to change major to other subjects I liked and was good at, by doing electives. now in my final semester I've taken spanish101 elective and i have loved it so much and practise a lot, have full marks in all assessments so far, quizzes, listening test. But for the speaking test i fumbled sooooo bad. Idk why no matter how much i practise before I always do bad in oral tests.But for this one I knew exactly what to say but sitting infront of teacher I froze, blanked out, said things slowly. After leaving, the whole day I've been realising all I missed to say.

This was one thing I was really good at and really enjoyed, but I'm gonna lose marks and probably A grade because i was....anxious and didn't make my brain work. But the main reason why i did bad at something I was so sure of acing was mainly because I didn't say Bismillah before. I do pray all five and duas and all but for this i didnt say bismillah. I didnt ask Allah for help and was confident. But it's like my brain doesnt work sometimes the way one would expect.

I'm also a caregiver for a very sick parent, and I haven't had full night of sleep for four years now and I know that has significantly made me dumber. But I consider it a sacred job, it truly is so honorable to be able to care for a parent who is so vulnerable and being able to make his life rhe slightest bit more comfortable brings me great joy. And tbh that's it. That's the only thing I'm really good at, caregiving. I'm intelligent only when it comes to caregiving, everything else I do poorly cuz I'm generally dumb. Everyone says all pious people and Prophets had a lot of struggles, I have tons of struggles too, but at least they weren't dumb like me and that makes me feel worse. I dont know where I am going with this post and don't know what I'll do after my caregiving phase will be over, I really don't know.

I feel too tired to work on developing ,exploring other skills. I am barely studyjng and getting by because of the exhaustion with less sleep and everything. I wanna do so many things but my worth amounts to nothing. I don't know what job I'll get, i dont have any skill that i can stand out with. I know that after dying the only thing matters is the five pillars and character, I'm always working towards those, but then again, super tired to do extra things. Whenever I'm free i relax/sleep/spend time with dad. Spiritually i know my purpose but on this world i feel absolutely worthless other than being a caregiver which is all I'm alive for now i guess. I'm always dumb and keep forgetting things and my brain just generally isn't efficient wjth most things. I know how important it is to pray to Allah before anything important, but I get nervous and forget..

Is it a sin to be dumb? i know it's a dumb question but at this point i need someone to say stuff to me very clearly. I'm so lost and demoralized and.. idk i feel so extremely sad and demoralized and demotivated and my chest hurts