u/ummidko

so um to preface im sorry if this comes off as trauma dumping- but I feel like no one really understands the PA student experience unless they've actually been through it and I don't know what to do. before PA school, I was terrified of being rejected. after starting PA school, that fear has quickly shifted to being terrified of failing out.

I thought I was finally getting the hang of school, but I failed an exam for the second time. Before the exam, I lost a day of studying because I traveled to attend my sister's college grad. I wanted to be there for her, but at the same time I honestly don't think I would have failed if I had that extra day to drill pharm meds into my head. The failure taught me that I can't lose even one day of studying or else I'm screwed.

I've come to learn that if I don't spend every waking moment of the day making notes or studying, I fail. But on the other hand, when I do spend all my time studying my relationships suffer. I ghosted my closest friends for 3 months because I've been overwhelmed and I haven't had energy or time to do anything but study. I fucked up and I think I've lost them forever because of what I did.

When I'm in school, I can't eat because I'm so stressed out and I don't have time to cook. I've lost 15 pounds since starting. My apartment is a constant mess because I don't have time to clean. I get maybe 3-5 hours of sleep per night. I study until 11-12 pm every night, and even later before exam days. I know this is unhealthy and most people don't need to go to these lengths. But I'm aware I'm a slow learner and I need all the time I can get to study, or else I've proven that I can and will fail.

This is my dream and I will do anything I need to in order to pass the finish line. But at the same time, I'm ruining friendships and my own health. I don't feel human when I'm in school, I just feel like a machine. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it