Still feeling confused about my experience during 200YTT, need an outsider perspective.
So, I did my 200YTT 3 years ago (January 2023) and the whole experience left me super confused, dysregulated, angry (?), and feeling alone. I feel so envious of people who had an amazing experience, but I’m trying still to find the positive.
After a few years of practicing/learning yoga in studios I finally decided to look into 200YTT. I found this school in Goa that had amazing reviews and it felt like the really cared, looked like it was structured well and most importantly, I thought it was safe. I really wanted to go to India to study and I had been to Goa a few times before and enjoyed the overall vibe, and the vibes were great, I still love Goa to this day. The confusion I had came from the teacher running the school. He was the main teacher and also owned the school with his wife, his mother and kids also lived on the property as well.
At first he seemed super friendly and chill. But then some weird things started happening. There was no physical or sexual assault and nothing directly threatening, but there were some weird instances that made my body feel sooo uncomfortable and alone.
This might be a little long, I’m trying to remember all the weird stuff, I’d love if anyone has any sort of opinion on it even if it’s to just tell me I overreacted. I’m just going to list everything in point form because I feel it’s easier to read and for me to type out.
The first thing to happen that made me confused was just 3 days into the month+ long program. They told us there was a shop a maybe 10-15 minutes away by walking and they had food/snacks and some other things. I decided to go and started walking and within maybe 30 seconds my teacher pulls up with the motorcycle and offers me a ride and says he is going there anyways. I don’t really know him yet that well but I can see he is being polite so I said sure, why not, When we get to the store he’s not really looking at anything but mostly just watching me? At one point in in the back of the store looking at crackers and snacks and he sort of corners me and says something so trippy. He asked if I believe in past lives and I said yes. He started to tell me that people are connected through their past lives and he thinks that he knows me from one of his. Mind you, I’ve only said a maximum of 25 words to him by this point? If even that? I do believe in soulmates and past lives, and links but this was just a lot, only 3 days into, to be cornered and presented such information from my yoga teacher that is in his late forties? and married with 2 young children. I was just confused but trying to act like I understood without giving him the wrong idea. It felt like I had to hold space for all my confusion and feelings and als his, and not make him feel judged or uncomfortable or misunderstood. I also found it strange that he told me he had to go to the store but also didn’t purchase anything or look around. He drove me back without getting anything for himself eve though he said he was going there anyways.
Everytime after that incident, whenever I’d leave he would be there on his bike to give me a ride. his house is located at the front of the property so you have to pass it in order to leave through the gates. Anytime I left alone, to go to the shop or the beach or wherever, I knew he would be there on his motorbike withing 5 minutes and offer me a ride. The first few times I said sure, like, if he was going that way already then why not. But the last time he gave me a ride he said something so bizarre and I will try and paraphrase it but he was like “I’ve had this feeling that I would be riding with someone on my bike and and it’s like I could feel them there with me. I think it’s you who I have been feeling.” I don’t even remember what I said to that, like I go directly into fawn response and probably said “Hmmm that’s interesting. I wonder why that is”. I stopped accepting rides after that, and he stopped following me out.
He told me he wanted to talk to me privately off the property and took me to this beach cabana thing to get a drink and ask about my life during one of our breaks during the day. At first he said we would just go get a coffee and I was like sure, that’s chill. I also love coffee lol. But instead he took me to this beach cabana thing that was incredibly private, minus the person serving us. And asked if I wanted lunch or anything. I think I just got some sort of juice drink? (There wasn’t even any coffee on the menu lol so I remember being a little pissed) and then he started asking me such deep and personal questions about my life. Like my family, my parents, my past relationships, how they ended. Like everything. I gave him some answers but I was also weirdly suspicious of him by this point so I wanted to really see if he would saying anything shocking and weird. During this weird lunch? date? he told me “There is something about your energy that just keeps me drawn to you. Everyone could be in class and I feel like I’m drawn to you only”. I was super naive at this point but also in a really happy, light era of my life so I had gotten this sort of comment regularly, about my energy and soemthing about it, so a it didn’t feel AS odd as it should have. But it was definetly weird and odd coming from him. (Since that year I’ve actually become really protective of my energy and don’t really let most people see those parts of me, that light inside me. It attracts so many weirdos. I think to most people now I come off as cold, quiet, or shy, which is sad in its own ways).
At this cabana he told me he wanted me to try this coffee at this castle? He described it fully,how it used to be this Portuguese castle but was not converted to a hotel and it was off this huge cliff and the views were beautiful. He described the courtyards, the trees, all of it. He said he specifically wanted to take me on his bike. I did not agree, I sort of wanted to keep him talking to see what else he was going to say. I just remember thinking, why do you wanna take me to this hotel on your bike? How is the appropriate when you’re married? If I could go back now I’d definetly redirect the discomfort I felt back to him.
He only did adjustments on me in class to the point where one of the teaching assistants noticed and commented on it. I had noticed myself as well but was gaslighting myself into thinking that maybe I just wasn’t noticing him doing adjustments on others, that maybe I’m just thinking he’s only adjusting me and no one else. But when the TA made that comment I felt so validated.
He also always did this sahvasana “massage” after our practice but only on me. I can’t remember it fully but I think you’d put your hands on the persons shoulders or head? And also on the feet and ankles. IDK if he was trying to do reiki or what but for some reason it was only for me out of 25ish people, everytime. It became so frequent that I would dread the end of the practice because I knew he would’ve coming over while everyone had their eyes close (mine as well) and he would’ve coming just put his hands on me. But how do you tell someone to stop? Someone that is supposed to be your teacher?
He starting eating dinner in the area we would all eat some nights, but he would directly position himself so he was staring right at me and he would stare. There was just a different and more intense look he would always give to me but it’s not something that anyone would notice if they weren’t paying super close attention. It felt like he was hiding in plain sight and only I could see it.
He felt that I was stressed (obviously lol) and booked me a full body massage (I’m guessing he paid for it too? He didn’t mention costs or anything) and kept saying I had to relax my body. He then walked me to the massage area that was super secluded because he asked if I knew where it was and I said no. So he took me alone to this area with no one else around and was showing me the massage cabanas? rooms? I just didn’t care (i do not enjoy people touching my body, especially in other countries so i had no interest in getting it done). I explained that to him and he was still so insistent I get the massage. I said I would think about it just to get him to drop it and so that I could end the conversation and return to the main area with people around. He didn’t do this with anyone else and I think by this point some other students had started to notice that he was acting differently around me. Offering me rides, insisting I get massages, only doing adjustments on me. I felt so isolated and alone from all the other students when all I wanted was to feel like maybe I found “my people”. It felts so heavy and anxiety infusing for me, while everyone else was so light hearted and open and becoming closer. I remember this much older british guy who was lovely sort of giving me a look and I just looked back at him confused, hoping he could tell I wasn’t comfortable.
It was feeling like he was trying to find ways to be alone with me. this one is hard to remember the specifics but I felt like he was always just around me, looking at me, trying to find ways for us to be alone but not in an obvious and direct way. I also experienced this same feeling with a manager at my first job when I was 16 and this teacher reminded me of him so much. That manager later became my stalker, would be outside my house at night, waiting for me outside my walk home from school, and tried to kill himself twice because I wouldn’t be with him. He was 24. The stress I was feeling in my body was very similar to this period in my life. Alone, isolated, powerless, like I was keeping some sort of secret that wasn’t even my own? Their projections of what “we had” when I’m just a fucked up girl trying to get through all this.
One day, he spontaneously decided he was going to take all of us on a field trip. He said were we’re going to this portuguese castle and we’d eat at the restaurant there. I thought, hmm another portuguese castle. Interesting. This journey was a 25 minute car ride, a 20 minute ferry ride, and then another 10-15 minutes driving to get to. When we arrived I realized it was exactly the same place he wanted to take me. He didn’t mention it took almost an hour to get there. while we were sitting at the restaurant, one of the other teachers that had worked there for 10+ years mentioned he has never done this ever, where we skip a whole day of learning and go on a field trip. He was surprised and confused and said it was a first. he tried to talk to me a little during that field trip but i sort of just kept my distance, so he spent more time with the other chattier students while i silently tried to both enjoy, and make sense of why he even wanted to bring me here.
For now this is the most of what I can remember. I ended up having this almsot psychosis like experience one night and I became really sick to the point where I had to ask for his help to get a doctor to get anti biotics. But after that I just felt so much rage, feminine rage.
Writing this all out now, it feels like this rage is warranted. It’s just such a weird experience and I don’t know if I should be posting this on google reviews or what. Is this guy a predator? What the hell was going on? I ended up telling one of the women teachers and also one of the teaching assistants but they both thought that I was looking too much into it and that he was just being nice? The TA even tried to make it sound like there was a deeper spiritual meaning to all of it and that I had to work on. At one point I mentioned that I messaged him for help with medication/getting a doctor and she was surprised I had his phone number. He gave to to me the first day we got here, while a group of us were going to the beach. He only specifically gave it to me and took my number too. This TA had been his student for a few years and genuinely looked confused I had his number and that she didn’t even have it, which just confused me even more. It didn’t feel like I was ment to lean into this experience and find some sort of spiritual meaning in all this, and I told them that. I didn’t go into ALL the details with them because I was so nervous but I said the ones that would be the most alarming. I didn’t feel safe or comfortable in my body at all. When I tell people who aren’t in the yoga world, the red flags are obvious. Tbh, I hardly even practice yoga anymore. Even my mom asks why I never do and why I never went through with teaching and I just don’t know how to explain to her how weird it was for me? How certain postures still remind me of him and his adjustments? I feel like I was robbed of a good experience and for what? People asked me all the time how my training was and how it’s going and I just tell them if was good and fun. It feels like too much to explain it all without the conversation getting so heavy. What was the point of any of it and why are you running a whole yoga school if you’re so uninhibited?
If anyone has any opinion or advice or similar experiences I’d love to know. Am I overthinking all this? Am I underthinking it? Is this normal behavior? I genuinely don’t know.