u/whereamigoing23

Been going to therapy more recently due to SSRI withdrawal and subsequent crushing depression and anxiety that comes along with it.

Was recounting an event from my late teens that I still struggle to call “sexual assault” but would legally classify as such. It was forceful and excruciatingly painful but lasted only 30-45 seconds. In that moment I truly had never felt more powerless. Ended up getting diagnosed with PTSD years ago because of it and since sought EMDR (which does work and did help). However, I’ve quickly learned that healing is not linear.

Next thing you know, I’m remembering the event and the tears start falling. I’ve been seeing this therapist for three years and never cried in front of them.

Despite their comfort, I’m deeply humiliated. I’m a 23 year old man and I feel like I shouldn’t be crying over a gray-area event from many years ago that I’ve already sought treatment for.

Been going to therapy more recently due to SSRI withdrawal and subsequent crushing depression and anxiety that comes along with it.

Was recounting an event from my late teens that I still struggle to call “sexual assault” but would legally classify as such. It was forceful and excruciatingly painful but lasted only 30-45 seconds. In that moment I truly had never felt more powerless. Ended up getting diagnosed with PTSD years ago because of it and since sought EMDR (which does work and did help). However, I’ve quickly learned that healing is not linear.

Next thing you know, I’m remembering the event and the tears start falling. I’ve been seeing this therapist for three years and never cried in front of them.

Despite their comfort, I’m deeply humiliated. I’m a 23 year old man and I feel like I shouldn’t be crying over a gray-area event from many years ago that I’ve already sought treatment for.

Complicated situation, but I’ll keep it brief. I’m a guy, the other individual is a woman.

I said “stop” because it was painful. She did not stop. I tried to grab her hand and she grabbed my wrists and kept me from stopping her while increasingly becoming more aggressive and loud. I didn’t have the strength to stop her as I was in an awkward position between her and the wall. I gave up and let her do what she wanted as I didn’t want to wake up her roommate.

Eventually she did stop and we continued with sexual activity. In my head I knew that it was wrong but I pushed it down. It wasn’t until many months later that it began severely affecting me. She denies what happened so I question if my version of events is even accurate or not.

Anyways, my question: is this still sexual assault? I don’t know why I continued to be honest. I guess I just wanted to act like it was nothing and not make a big deal out of it. I didn’t realize just how much it was affecting me until later.

I have a sexual themed real event from when I was 18. To me it seems like a detrimental, catastrophic blow to my morals and character. However, I’ve spoken with four therapists, my girlfriend and some friends… even posted about it on Reddit (essentially every comment told me I had OCD). However, I feel like I’ve left out important key details that would change people’s perspective on the event and keep wanting to re-confess or ask questions to entertain different scenarios. I feel like nobody knows the “true story” or are just sticking up for me as to not trigger my OCD or because they like me. The goalposts keep moving each time. My girlfriend won’t let me talk about the real event with her anymore because she says that is just devolves into reassurance seeking.

Everyone says that I did the right thing and that my actions are evidence that I’m not a pedophile or predator. The real event wasn’t something that I remembered years after it happened, I almost had a panic attack immediately after it occurred which is why I don’t even think it’s real event OCD anymore. It almost drove 18 year old me to suicide due to the guilt. However, my high school therapist at the time seemed to not think this event was a big deal. I feel like I’m living in a fucking fantasy land because this event seems horrific in my eyes but nobody else sees it that way. My memories are so foggy I can’t even determine if some details are factual because I’ve replayed them in my mind so many times.

It feels like every step forward is just two steps back. However, in the moment it feels so relieving like a weight has been lifted. Then right back to it. Thoughts like “you forgot a detail” or “they’re your partner, of course they’ll stick up for you.” My girlfriend is one of the most moral, no-nonsense people that I know. I don’t know why she’d stick up for a monster like myself.

At this point I’ve exhausted all resources. Nobody will give me reassurance anymore. Not even my therapist. Every time I try to dissect and analyze the event on its own it feels like it only becomes more confusing. I’ve attempted to gain certainty about my intentions and exact thoughts and feelings during that moment but I can’t remember that far back. I rely entirely on old messages recounting the event.

Can someone please let me know if there’s a way out? I’ve exhausted all avenues. Nobody is giving reassurance anymore. All of it is incredibly taxing on me but you know what - maybe I fucking deserve it.

I went off Prozac cold turkey because I wanted to experience my real, true emotions instead of feeling like a numb emotionless zombie. However, now 2 months after being off I am extraordinarily forgetful and physically drained. I’ve also fallen into a deep depression, maybe the deepest I’ve ever been in. I’m experiencing flu-like symptoms and can’t focus on anything. I’m forgetting my words constantly.

What do I do? Does this ever go away? Is what I’m experiencing withdrawal or depression related? I don’t know what to do…

I went off Prozac cold turkey because I wanted to experience my real, true emotions instead of feeling like a numb emotionless zombie. However, now 2 months after being off I am extraordinarily forgetful and physically drained. I’ve also fallen into a deep depression, maybe the deepest I’ve ever been in. I’m experiencing flu-like symptoms and can’t focus on anything. I’m forgetting my words constantly.

What do I do? Does this ever go away? Is what I’m experiencing withdrawal or depression related? I don’t know what to do…

I feel physically sick. I am moving very slowly, my head feels like it’s full of shit. My stomach is in knots. I ache all over.

Does anyone else experience this?

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I did EMDR and CBT years ago and probably don’t meet the criteria for PTSD anymore despite being diagnosed with it not long after the assault.

Anyways… I arrive at her apartment after picking her up from work. She is extremely affectionate despite being cold for weeks prior. She starts kissing me, things escalate and we begin engaging in a sex act. At the time I was wedged between the wall and her while laying on her bed.

The sex act is very painful and I ask her to stop. She asks “why” and I explain that it’s painful. She keeps going and I tried to physically move her hand away from me but she became angry and loud while saying “no!” She grabbed my hand and forced it back down. I stopped fighting because her roommate was asleep in the other room and I didn’t want to cause an argument. I closed my eyes and tried to power through it.

We continued to engage in sexual acts. Once we finished I couldn’t stop thinking about it - it was like an intrusive thought almost. I drove home like nothing happened. Oddly enough, I remember that drive very vividly.

Anyways, I’m worried that I enjoyed being sexually assaulted because I continued engaging in sex after she assaulted me. Doesn’t that invalidate my entire story? I sometimes feel like I’m being too dramatic or making it up.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I did EMDR and CBT years ago and probably don’t meet the criteria for PTSD anymore despite being diagnosed with it not long after the assault.

Anyways… I arrive at her apartment after picking her up from work. She is extremely affectionate despite being cold for weeks prior. She starts kissing me, things escalate and we begin engaging in a sex act. At the time I was wedged between the wall and her while laying on her bed.

The sex act is very painful and I ask her to stop. She asks “why” and I explain that it’s painful. She keeps going and I tried to physically move her hand away from me but she became angry and loud while saying “no!” She grabbed my hand and forced it back down. I stopped fighting because her roommate was asleep in the other room and I didn’t want to cause an argument. I closed my eyes and tried to power through it.

We continued to engage in sexual acts. Once we finished I couldn’t stop thinking about it - it was like an intrusive thought almost. I drove home like nothing happened. Oddly enough, I remember that drive very vividly.

Anyways, I’m worried that I enjoyed being sexually assaulted because I continued engaging in sex after she assaulted me. Doesn’t that invalidate my entire story? I sometimes feel like I’m being too dramatic or making it up.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I did EMDR and CBT years ago and probably don’t meet the criteria for PTSD anymore despite being diagnosed with it not long after the assault.

Anyways… I arrive at her apartment after picking her up from work. She is extremely affectionate despite being cold for weeks prior. She starts kissing me, things escalate and we begin engaging in a sex act. At the time I was wedged between the wall and her while laying on her bed.

The sex act is very painful and I ask her to stop. She asks “why” and I explain that it’s painful. She keeps going and I tried to physically move her hand away from me but she became angry and loud while saying “no!” She grabbed my hand and forced it back down. I stopped fighting because her roommate was asleep in the other room and I didn’t want to cause an argument. I closed my eyes and tried to power through it.

We continued to engage in sexual acts. Once we finished I couldn’t stop thinking about it - it was like an intrusive thought almost. I drove home like nothing happened. Oddly enough, I remember that drive very vividly.

The relationship ended on bad terms. I ended up posting my story on Reddit seeking support and stupidly didn’t take enough care to mask my identity and she found my story and called my parents - telling them about my self harm that I had indulged in due to the mental anguish it had caused me. When I confronted her about this entire thing, she blamed me and said that I was the one always wanting sex and that I’m lying. The whole thing was a mess. Although it was years ago, I’m not mentally recovered from it.

Anyways, I’m worried that I enjoyed being sexually assaulted because I continued engaging in sex after she assaulted me. Doesn’t that invalidate my entire story? I sometimes feel like I’m being too dramatic or making it up.

Something bad happened in my (not by a medical professional) in my late teens and although I’ve sought treatment via EMDR, it still affects me. I’ll leave the details at that.

Previously, I was completely okay with these sorts of medical exams but since then I have grown extremely anxious about the prospect of ever having them done. I’m not sure why my brain still reacts this way despite getting treatment which did truly help. I think that it’s the idea of not being in control.

I guess my question is this - can one go their entire life without one?

I seriously wish every single one of them would fuck off already.

It doesn’t “get better”, seeking help only leads to imprisonment if you get too honest. The fucking pathetic pill pushing shills get paid by pharmaceutical companies to put as many people onto their meds as possible. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve reached peak apathy towards the world.

Everyone loves mental health until you start showing signs of it. God forbid you have something like OCD with taboo themes or real events. Oh no, that isn’t the aesthetic performative bullshit that white chicks with dreads push on instagram so we can’t have any of that.

They love the idea of mental illness but never the reality.

I hate all of it. Every fucking bit of it.

I have severe OCD and really can’t function without them. The thoughts become too loud.

However I despise the mental healthcare industry - especially involuntary hospitalizations.

Am I a hypocrite?

I’ve suffered with OCD since I was 8. I’ve suffered with Real Event OCD since I was 12. The themes and events have shifted occasionally but remained relatively consistent. It got really bad in my late teens and has really spiked in my 20s after seeing many triggers in the news and media.

I’ve told my real event to the four therapists I’ve had since 2021, my girlfriend, my friends and strangers online. Everyone says that I’m not a bad person and that I did the right thing but I can’t stop ruminating about.

It’s so bad that I will pull over at gas stations while driving just to google things related to my real event to get a hit of relief. I even tried using AI at one point despite having strong moral aversion to it. Every single time I convince myself that I’m not an evil monster it feels like OCD finds another avenue or piece of evidence to use against me. It’s a cycle that seems to never end. I’m plagued with thoughts even when doing things that make me happy. The thoughts come in intrusively and throw me off guard. They remind me of what I did, how horrible of a human I am.

Stupidly enough I decided to go cold turkey on my SSRI because I hated feeling fake and emotionless. I got my emotions back but OCD came in strong as well. I’m considering going back on it just to make the thoughts stop.

Is there any SSRI out there that gets rid of OCD but lets me still have my normal human emotions? Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to be sad, happy, etc.