I have severe OCD and really can’t function without them. The thoughts become too loud.
However I despise the mental healthcare industry - especially involuntary hospitalizations.
Am I a hypocrite?
I’ve suffered with OCD since I was 8. I’ve suffered with Real Event OCD since I was 12. The themes and events have shifted occasionally but remained relatively consistent. It got really bad in my late teens and has really spiked in my 20s after seeing many triggers in the news and media.
I’ve told my real event to the four therapists I’ve had since 2021, my girlfriend, my friends and strangers online. Everyone says that I’m not a bad person and that I did the right thing but I can’t stop ruminating about.
It’s so bad that I will pull over at gas stations while driving just to google things related to my real event to get a hit of relief. I even tried using AI at one point despite having strong moral aversion to it. Every single time I convince myself that I’m not an evil monster it feels like OCD finds another avenue or piece of evidence to use against me. It’s a cycle that seems to never end. I’m plagued with thoughts even when doing things that make me happy. The thoughts come in intrusively and throw me off guard. They remind me of what I did, how horrible of a human I am.
Stupidly enough I decided to go cold turkey on my SSRI because I hated feeling fake and emotionless. I got my emotions back but OCD came in strong as well. I’m considering going back on it just to make the thoughts stop.
Is there any SSRI out there that gets rid of OCD but lets me still have my normal human emotions? Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to be sad, happy, etc.