u/whichagentisgood

I'm on two weeks of retention for the first time.

A few days ago the cashier was just about to close the register, the sign was already on red. She glanced at me briefly. Then again. I looked back questioningly and was allowed, with an eye-roll, to skip the queue in front of me. Other women also come across as extremely friendly, but not necessarily in a sexual way. I thought they were taking second glances.

The same at the bakery. Yet another woman sat herself next to me in an empty train.

At a doctor’s appointment, in a funny moment, I ran into someone I know. Normally it would have felt awkward, but eye contact felt comfortable. Also very friendly.

Best of all, though, is this: In a completely different conversation the topic of camera surveillance came up. I was talking about covering the phone camera and about the attitude some people have that they don’t care who’s watching them. Normally my thoughts would jump to shameful PMO moments. But as I spoke those words the conversation flowed naturally, without any uncomfortable associations. Only later did I notice how nice that moment was.

So I can only agree with the impression. You guys are onto something.

Hello everybody.

My chronic exhaustion is the reason of my upcoming appointment. (Laymen opinions are welcome if you can relate to my symptoms)

My doctor wants to check for psychosomatic causes. At the moment the only diagnosis I have is hypertension, exertional dyspnoea and my neurologist suggested a masked depression but refused any brain scans. I'm considering cfs / mecfs but want to rule out everything else first and see if meds can help me.

A year into my symptoms, I tried to exercise more in an attempt to cure this exhaustion, thinking the weight I had gained by then was the entire problem. I was walking 10-30k steps / a day for 2.5 months (Anything more than walking would cause me to crash). Soon I noticed my posture worsened while I had lost not a single kg, despite being in a caloric deficit. My exhaustion became worse. I gave up on losing weight.

My most important recent somatic finding is this:
MRI of the cervical spine shows a paradoxical kyphosis with apex at C4/5, a circular disc protrusion at C4/5 with mild left-sided prominence and mild indentation of the cervical cord, moderate bilateral neuroforaminal stenosis without clear nerve root compression, and early osteochondrosis at C2/3 and C4/5 with mild inflammatory activity.

(Probably injury from exercise, maybe a symptom of my deconditioning, or MAYBE the cause of a dysregulated/sensitive nervous system??)

All other tests showed normal blood, urine results. Only thing noteable: Cortisol is low.

No reactivation of certain viruses, no sign of histamine intolerance and homocystein is fine. Organs are fine (heart function is excellent). My ergometry shows 67% SOLL at 98% performance, very poor for a 25 year old man. It confirmed my dyspnoe doesn't have a cardial cause.

When I laid down to relax my body for one hour, I noticed my blood pressure going from 145/106/87 to 129/85/86 to 150/88/86 again. This seems to be related to thoughts alone, as I did not move my body at all. I can reproduce this and because of it, I'm now more open to the possibility that this exhaustion could have a psychsomatic factor although it feels purely physical.

More about my exhaustion: I get post-extertional malaise after movement and my body feels like I worked out in the gym, 24/7. (Moving around is like trying another pushup when the limit has already been hit). I can avoid severe crashes by pacing but when I overwork myself, I can be bed-bound for several days. It seems like histamine or histamine liberators are triggers for me: Unfresh or red meat, pistacios, sauna, high temperatures, they all cause repeated crashes / exaggerated symptoms. Food reactions appear alongside with severe neckpain. I actually believe part of my spinal injuries were due to histamine reactions after beef consumption. (Muscle tension as a cause for my worsening posture?)

This fatigue is so debiliating that I perform everday activities such as cleaning, laundry or grocery shopping with great difficulties. Especially in the summers, I lay flat, waiting for the day to cool off. I plan my day around it. It is the second year of this.

If possible, I'd consider a stationary rehabilitation and a formal temporary incapacity for work as I don't see myself as capable of working a stable job at all. I have tried to work as self-employed but wasn't able to generate any income so far.

My mood is stable and alert. I am not sad, I do not have rumination or a guilty conscience, nor anxiety, no exaggerated shame. (I had dealt with a complex regarding my teeth with a result of long self-isolation but my braces are done soon and I can feel some relief already.) I'm a bit depressed about my weight gain and body image, too but I am not afraid of life's challenges.

I dealt with organized stalking for the second year of my fatigue but it stopped as soon as the police identified one person. Court cases wore me down a bit. The stalking took a jab on my self esteem, I think it's PTSD as I still get nightmares of intrusion. My responses can be delayed when interacting with other people. I can still be a bit paranoi too. My symptoms and my unemployment are wearing me down, too.

However, I am working on projects that feel fullfilling to me and I am excited for my future as it can only get better from now on. The only thing in my way at the moment is this exhaustion.

Another thing that is important for me: I will refuse SSRI's but I would appreciate recs to read about before I take my appointment in a month. Ai recommended sedating antidepressants that work on histamine receptors. (Worried about low cortisol though?)

Thanks a lot for reading.