genuinely dont know what im doing
I'm writing this sleep deprived cus of ADHD meds so I apologize in advance if this ends up making no sense. I'm 22, recently diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, and in my senior year of undergrad studying a major I fervently resent. I'm actually a super senior due to several leaves of absence and a poor mental health. I'll briefly summarize some important background to my main spiral to prevent this post from becoming too bloated. I come from a conservative family of a Middle Eastern origin and was pretty much forced to go to university right out of high school. It's worth quickly mentioning that my dad is abusive and is still a presence in my life. I still have nightmares about him after any simple interaction with him. At 18, I was directionless, immature, and unprepared to navigate life outside the authoritarian one I was familiar with. Of course, I was still financially dependent on my parents which meant I couldn't take liberty in what I wanted to study. Essentially, I settled for something in closer proximity to my future aspirations that they could approve of with as minimal convincing as possible (however, they don't explicitly know what I want to do after graduation because they're generally critical of anything outside of Medicine).
The major I settled for is too monotonous for my preference (I wanted to study English instead) but I was too preoccupied with my parent's potential reaction to let myself pivot. If I were to pivot, I'd only be able to do so in secret. This obviously led to many academic disasters as I couldn't for the life of me tolerate my assignments. It has reached to a point where it has become physically painful to do anything major-related so I ended up just coasting. My executive dysfunction is severe and I've tried everything. I've tried convincing myself that it's just what I have to get through since it's too late for me to switch. I've talked myself down over how this is just for the sake of getting a degree and then I can move on with my life. I did therapy, I got better, I matured and became more responsible. But that all collapses when it's time to finish my major requirements. I thrive in my fall through electives and become enriched by the learning process, which are two things I didn't feel for years in college. Unfortunately, I was too nihilistic and depressed to think of meaningful solutions; I blindly accepted that I was meant to stay trapped in order to minimize my parents' scrutiny. As a result, I ended up not only disappointing them for wasting their money (they threatened to force me to quit school and live with them back in my home country when I mentioned I was struggling multiple times), I had also disappointed myself.
I don't believe I deserve much sympathy as I'm privileged to be financially supported through college, therefore I am not asking for that. I guess I'm wondering if anyone relates or if I'm indeed as incompetent of a person as I think I am. I'm just frustrated with how my ADHD brain won't let me go through tasks I find painful even for the sake of others. I've messed up so much and god knows if I have any remaining strength to graduate. I desperately want to graduate.