Has anyone else forgotten how to enjoy life outside of clerkships?
I’m on clerkships, and lately I’ve realized something that’s honestly been bothering me more than I expected.
I don’t think I know how to enjoy my free time anymore.
For some context, this past year has been really emotionally exhausting outside of school. I went through a lot of drama with classmates that left me feeling isolated and second-guessing who I could trust. On top of that, there’s been a lot of family stress, and as a Muslim woman in my mid-20s, I also feel a lot of pressure (both internal and external) to eventually find someone and get married. The weird thing is… I don’t even really like anyone right now. I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m just emotionally burnt out.
When I’m on rotation, my life has structure. I’m busy, learning, seeing patients, and working toward something. But as soon as I finish a shelf exam or a rotation, it’s like I hit a wall.
I just… don’t know what to do with myself.
I’ve noticed I rely way too much on other people to fill that space. If I have someone to text, hang out with, or spend time with, I’m happy. If I don’t, I feel incredibly restless and almost empty.
I actually got into an argument with my sister recently because I realized I’ve been depending on her much more than I should. We genuinely enjoy hanging out together, but she has her own life and sometimes just wants to be left alone. I realized I was getting upset because, outside of school, I don’t really have much that feels like mine.
It made me ask myself: what are my hobbies?
Honestly… I don’t know.
I used to enjoy working out, but I’ve completely lost motivation. I know I should probably be doing research or career-related things, but that’s still medicine. It feels like my identity has become “medical student,” and I don’t really know who I am outside of that.
I also keep wondering if it’s normal that I’m single and just… not particularly interested in anyone. Sometimes I worry something is wrong with me because everyone around me seems to either be in relationships, getting engaged, getting married, or actively dating, and I just don’t feel that drive right now. At the same time, I do want a relationship eventually, so it’s confusing.
Has anyone else gone through this during clerkships or med school in general?
I’m not really looking for a list of random hobbies. I’m more wondering if anyone else has experienced this feeling of listlessness after spending years in survival mode, and how you rebuilt a life that actually felt enjoyable outside of medicine