seven weeks in and i hate to say it's done nothing
I've struggled my whole life with depression and I was doing fine on my antidepressant (pristiq) for most of my 20s and i ended up experiencing a trauma that set back my depression by a ton, like quitting my job and dropping out of school because i could not lift a finger due to the insane weight of depression on me. I was put on wellbutrin in addition to pristiq, which has had zero effect on me. I started spravato beginning of april and had high hopes for its success, especially because my depression leans on a core belief that i should not exist, i've been focusing on ways to change that core belief during sessions, tried forcing myself to journal reasons why i want to live but it would always turn into a stream of consciousness about why i dont want to live. now i just go into the sessions knowing i will feel no better at the end of it. i know the session is a side effect not the treatment but in general my depression keeps getting worse and worse and i cant do TMS because i cant drive 30-40 minutes there and back every day. i'm hurting so bad and ive been in contact with a crisis center too often. i've had really horrible experiences with hospitalizations and will do anything to keep myself out of one. i am not addicted to anything but my brain keeps telling me to drink to relieve the pain and i've been trying so hard not to fold but it's getting to the point where i feel out of control and i need to feel some sort of relief because i am literally suffering. im writing this mid mental breakdown if you can't tell because i genuinely feel i cannot live another day with this painful sadness and will take any advice. Ive been on every type of med and have been in therapy my whole life. Maybe i need to do more therapy about the trauma i experienced but it could be months of it before i feel any different. Anyway thanks for reading and if you have any words of encouragement that would be appreciated.