r/AnorexiaBingePurge

Hello! I am a blue collar worker who can no longer attend work consistently due to the disorder. I am about to start school for the union I have been accepted into, this week is my last week at work before school. I am writing this after calling out from being exhausted again. When I’m not sick I’m the best worker and so eager to learn. I just want to be them again. I have one week of school a month for this semester. I plan on taking the month after my first week off to recover. I call it a forced recovery because if I keep doing this my mother threatened to take me in to a hospital and because I need to keep making money to survive. I am supporting my amazing girlfriend and I and she has been SO supportive of me. She’s losing hope and I can tell :( I don’t want to disappoint her. In these last two weeks I’ve been in “peace” if you could cal it that. Purgatory before trying to recover. I’m realizing every day it’s not peace, it’s quiet deterioration of my mind and body. I can not think and I can’t even fathom being romantic, which my lovely girlfriend deserves. I need to recover. I am dedicated to doing it. But I am so scared. I’ve never eaten normally in my life. I’m so glad there are these subreddits. If you made it to the end thank you haha I hope you have a nice day and good recovery :3

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice/reassurance from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
I’m currently inpatient for my eating disorder and will be stepping down to residential treatment once I’m medically stable and have weight restored. One of the things I’m really struggling with is the idea of entering residential at a “normal” or much healthier weight.
I know logically that residential isn’t only for people who are visibly underweight and that an eating disorder doesn’t suddenly disappear because your weight changes. If anything, I know I’m going to need a lot of psychological support once the focus shifts away from immediate medical stabilization. But I’m still terrified that I’ll get there and feel like I don’t belong or that I’m “not sick enough” compared with other people.
I’m also scared of being around people who may be at lower weights or earlier stages of weight restoration and having my ED immediately start comparing my body to theirs. There’s a part of me that worries people will look at me and wonder why I’m even there, even though I know nobody can tell how much someone is struggling just by looking at them.
I think inpatient has felt very focused on keeping me medically safe and restoring my body, whereas residential is going to involve actually learning how to live with recovery, challenge behaviors and deal with everything mentally. I know I need that, but reaching a healthier weight before I get there almost makes me feel like I’ve lost the “proof” that I deserve treatment.
Has anyone else gone from inpatient to residential after weight restoring or entered residential at a normal/healthy weight? Did you struggle with feeling like you didn’t belong or comparing yourself to other patients? And if so, what helped you get through those first few days/weeks?
I’d really appreciate hearing positive experiences because I want to go into residential willing to give it a genuine chance rather than letting this fear convince me that I don’t deserve to be there. 🤍

Had a doctor's appointment today. Instead of accepting that they would talk to me abt my w8, I taped rocks to my legs and thighs under baggy clothes. Then when I had to change into the gown, I told my mom to leave and tore them off before shoving them to the bottom of the trash can. I managed to add enough weight to my legs that it only seemed like I shed a small amount of lbs from like stress or smth. I am so tired. I just want to stop but I cant. I want all the noise to go away. I need it all to be quiet for just like a small amount of minutes. Realistically, if I know my weight is concerning shouldnt that be enough? No it's never enough. Even if i reach my goal it's still not enough. I cant do this anymore.

About 4 months ago i relapsed into Purging after about 8 months and got more into laxative use and took one too many apparently.
I thought (foolishly) that it wasn’t working because it didn’t do its job in the time it usually does and my idiotic self decided i would be safe to eat and then go to school. Second period i realised i FUCKED UP, MASSIVELY i had a free and proceeded to spend half an hour silently crying and trying to make as little noise as i could as the 15 year old (i go to a sixth form college) in the stall next to me was ON THE PHONE 😭.
I failed at fixing the issue and had to sit through another lesson shaking, clammy and cold while trying to take notes. Eventually i had no more lessons and had to wait another 30 minutes for the bumpy, Boiling hot bus, after i made it home i managed to make it to my bathroom seconds before disaster and literally cried tears of relief and embarrassment.
Only to realise i had a mitski concert to be at in about 3 hours.

Thankfully i made it through the night ok just dehydrated and i don’t remember a lot 💔
The fact that this isn’t the first horror story of mine is very humbling

my diagnosis is AN, i think i’ve made myself bulimic by accident i keep trying to eat so i can stop distressing EH but then i am even more mentally EH (i have no appetite just hunger in thoughts and obsession) and then i eat again and it turns into a binge that i force because i know i’m going to have to purge now and i need to “make it worth it” and anyway i cannot stop binging and purging every single day my stomach is in buts it is terrifying i am terrified has anyone ever gone inpatient just so they can stop this? it’s so embarrassing and i don’t feel physically well. has anyone ever had this hard heavy pressure feeling in their head and like stuff goes dizzy in three stages and vision starts to go like the light and colour is getting less and less and you have just a feeling of a heavy rock behind your eyes rhat squeezes and feels like it’s dragging you down to the ground? eventually at the end of the day after the third time i’ll eat and keep it in but i still don’t feel well this is after a period of heavy restriction and no purging i went over two weeks. i’m scared i need to stop purging every single day i tell myself i will not do it and i’m eating so that i DONT do it but I somehow keep doing it even though all i want to do it stop. i also have no appetite at all but still eat i’m so confused. i don’t understand what’s happening. how am i eating g wirh no appetite and i feel full. all i ever want is to NOT eat but i’m just doing it? i don’t even understand what’s going on i don’t feel mentally sound. i need to not eat for as long as possible to just reset my stomach i’m so confused. i can’t stop purging and i have to or i’ll fucking die i need a hospital or something i can’t stop id need to ask someone in my life to be with me 24/7 watching me and not let me be alone in the bathroom genuinely that’s what i need. i don’t want to go to an inpatient unit i would hate it it would make me worse but i have to stop purging and i cannot do it. i wish i could go inpatient for just one week and not be made stay longer and not be made gain weight or increase calories i just want to stop purging. i’m so scared. i seriously don’t feel well in really scared

hiii so I just started university and I think I might be relapsing. I've lost weight (idk how to block the numbers so ill just say enough for my clothes to fit different but not enough for people to be able to tell). ive kind of been living on red bull and I noticed i find excuses to not eat with friends (i also recently quit gluten so I have a reason sometimes). how do I get this under control bc I do NOT have time for a relapse!! im in a really good situation with university and my program/major and I dont want to have to step back