r/ChristopherHitchens

INT. HOTEL BAR – LATE NIGHT

A book festival has ended. The hotel bar is half-empty in the way hotel bars become after midnight: a few lonely professionals, one bartender polishing glasses like he has been sentenced to it, and a piano nobody asked for.

CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS sits at the bar with a glass of whisky and an ashtray he has somehow acquired despite several laws, building regulations, and probably a sign directly behind him.

PATRICE O’NEAL enters, big coat, bigger presence. He scans the room like a man checking for exits, food, women, and nonsense in that order.

He notices Hitchens.

Patrice approaches.

PATRICE
You Christopher Hitchens?

HITCHENS
I’ve been accused of worse.

PATRICE
Yeah. That sounds like you.

Patrice sits beside him, not asking permission.

HITCHENS
And you are?

PATRICE
Patrice O’Neal.

HITCHENS
Ah. The comedian.

PATRICE
That’s already disrespectful. “The comedian.” Like I came in doing balloon animals.

HITCHENS
I meant it descriptively, not dismissively.

PATRICE
That’s how white British guys insult you. “Descriptively.”

Hitchens smiles, delighted.

HITCHENS
Fair enough. What are you drinking?

PATRICE
Something that don’t come with a lecture.

HITCHENS
Then avoid the water.

Patrice laughs once, deep and sudden.

PATRICE
Okay. I see you.

The bartender approaches.

PATRICE
Give me a bourbon. Neat. And if he orders for me, call security.

HITCHENS
I would never order for another man. I might judge his order, but I wouldn’t make it.

PATRICE
That’s noble. Tyranny with boundaries.

The bartender leaves.

A beat.

HITCHENS
I saw your set earlier.

PATRICE
Yeah?

HITCHENS
You have a gift for making an audience agree with things they intended to hate.

PATRICE
That’s not a gift. That’s hostage negotiation.

HITCHENS
With occasional cruelty.

PATRICE
Cruelty gets a bad rap. Sometimes cruelty is just honesty with no lotion on it.

HITCHENS
I’ve often thought the same.

PATRICE
Yeah, but you say it like you got a fountain pen up your ass.

Hitchens nearly chokes on his whisky.

HITCHENS
That may be the finest review I’ve had all year.

Patrice takes his bourbon.

PATRICE
So what do you do after these things? Just sit around and wait for somebody to say “God” so you can pounce?

HITCHENS
If only it required waiting.

PATRICE
You really hate religion that much?

HITCHENS
I hate servility. Religion is one of its more successful costumes.

PATRICE
Mmm. I don’t know. Some people need a costume. Some people are naked underneath and it ain’t good.

HITCHENS
That’s the usual defense of superstition. “The people are too stupid to behave without fairy tales.”

PATRICE
No, no, no. I’m not saying stupid. I’m saying scared. Big difference. Stupid people are confident. Scared people build churches.

Hitchens studies him, interested.

HITCHENS
That is rather good.

PATRICE
Don’t sound surprised.

HITCHENS
I’m not surprised you said something intelligent. I’m surprised you said something I couldn’t improve.

PATRICE
See? That’s why people want to punch you. You compliment like a guy feeding medicine to a dog.

HITCHENS
And yet you remain.

PATRICE
Because I like difficult people. Easy people are dangerous.

HITCHENS
How so?

PATRICE
Easy people agree too fast. They laugh too fast. They love you too fast. Then one day you say the wrong thing and they become the police.

HITCHENS
A beautiful description of the modern liberal.

PATRICE
Nah, everybody does it. Left, right, church people, atheists, women, men, fat dudes at comedy clubs. Everybody got a little dictator in them. They just waiting for a permit.

Hitchens lifts his glass.

HITCHENS
To the internal dictator.

PATRICE
No, don’t toast that. You’ll encourage him.

They drink.

At a nearby table, a YOUNG MAN in a conference badge pretends not to listen.

HITCHENS
Do you believe in God?

PATRICE
I believe in women. That’s harder.

HITCHENS
A far more demanding theology.

PATRICE
Exactly. God only asks you not to masturbate and eat certain fish. Women want you to know what they meant in 1998.

HITCHENS
There are denominations of Christianity with less mystery.

PATRICE
And at least God lets you die.

Hitchens laughs.

HITCHENS
You see, this is where we may differ. I find the promises of religion disgusting precisely because they don’t let death be death.

PATRICE
Yeah, but death is rude. You gotta admit that.

HITCHENS
Nature is under no obligation to be polite.

PATRICE
That sounds good until nature is doing something impolite to you personally.

A small pause. Not sentimental. Just a real one.

HITCHENS
True.

Patrice looks at him, registers the shift, lets it pass without squeezing it.

PATRICE
You ever get tired of being right?

HITCHENS
No. But I do get tired of being surrounded by the wrong.

PATRICE
That’s not the same thing. Sometimes being right is just being alone with better paperwork.

HITCHENS
You think I’m alone?

PATRICE
I think you like rooms where everybody disagrees with you, because then you don’t have to trust anybody.

Hitchens turns slightly.

HITCHENS
That is a comic’s trick. Pretending to jest while sharpening a knife.

PATRICE
No, that was free. The knife costs extra.

HITCHENS
And what about you? You enjoy provoking people because it reveals them, or because it protects you?

Patrice nods slowly.

PATRICE
There he is.

HITCHENS
Am I wrong?

PATRICE
Nah. But you ain’t special. Everybody’s got armor. Mine just got jokes on it. Yours got footnotes.

Hitchens smiles, but softer.

HITCHENS
I prefer citations.

PATRICE
Of course you do.

The young man at the nearby table can’t resist.

YOUNG MAN
Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt, but this is incredible.

Both men turn to him.

PATRICE
Then don’t interrupt it.

HITCHENS
You have meant precisely to interrupt. The apology was merely decorative.

The young man freezes.

YOUNG MAN
Right. Sorry.

PATRICE
He did it again.

HITCHENS
He did.

The young man retreats into his drink.

Patrice leans back.

PATRICE
You know what’s funny? People love “truth” until it shows up without a gift bag.

HITCHENS
Yes. They want truth as therapy, not as an intruder.

PATRICE
Truth kicks your door in. “Hey, your relationship is garbage and your politics are a Halloween costume.”

HITCHENS
“And your gods are frightened mammals writ large.”

PATRICE
See, now you made it less funny.

HITCHENS
I’m wounded.

PATRICE
No you’re not. You enjoy that sentence too much.

Hitchens signals for another drink.

HITCHENS
What do you think comedy is for?

PATRICE
It ain’t “for” anything. That’s the problem with smart people. Everything gotta have a purpose. Comedy is what happens when the lie can’t keep a straight face.

Hitchens pauses, impressed again.

HITCHENS
That one I might steal.

PATRICE
You can’t steal from me. I’m black. That’s historically sensitive.

HITCHENS
Then I shall appropriate it with guilt and a grant application.

Patrice laughs hard.

PATRICE
Okay, Hitch. That was good.

HITCHENS
“Hitch” already?

PATRICE
Don’t get emotional. It’s just fewer syllables.

HITCHENS
I’m famously restrained.

PATRICE
You look like you argue with elevators.

HITCHENS
Only when they’re wrong.

Another silence, warmer now.

PATRICE
Let me ask you something. You believe people can handle truth?

HITCHENS
Not collectively. Individually, sometimes.

PATRICE
That’s dark.

HITCHENS
It’s observable.

PATRICE
Yeah. But sometimes people surprise you.

HITCHENS
By becoming better?

PATRICE
No. By admitting they’re trash. That’s the beginning. A man says, “I’m jealous, I’m scared, I’m selfish.” Beautiful. Now we can work. But everybody wants to be a good person immediately. No process. Just branding.

HITCHENS
Virtue as public relations.

PATRICE
Exactly. People don’t want morals. They want a logo.

Hitchens looks around the bar.

HITCHENS
This century will adore that.

PATRICE
Every century adored that. We just got better fonts now.

Hitchens raises his glass again.

HITCHENS
To bad people with good fonts.

PATRICE
Now that I’ll drink to.

They drink.

The bartender brings Hitchens his refill.

BARTENDER
Last call in fifteen.

HITCHENS
Barbarism.

PATRICE
See? Religion didn’t do that. The state did.

HITCHENS
The state often envies religion’s talent for obedience.

PATRICE
And religion envies the state’s guns.

HITCHENS
We may have the beginning of a doctrine.

PATRICE
No doctrine. The second you make a doctrine, some ugly dude starts enforcing it.

HITCHENS
A splendid objection.

PATRICE
You know, you’re not as annoying as I thought.

HITCHENS
And you’re not as crude as advertised.

PATRICE
No, I am. You just caught me between thoughts.

HITCHENS
Lucky me.

Patrice finishes his bourbon.

PATRICE
I gotta go. If I stay any longer, we’re gonna start respecting each other, and that ruins the chemistry.

HITCHENS
Respect needn’t be fatal.

PATRICE
Spoken like a man who never had to be funny for rent.

Patrice stands, puts on his coat.

HITCHENS
Will I see you tomorrow?

PATRICE
Maybe. Depends if the panel has snacks.

HITCHENS
It’s about morality.

PATRICE
Then it better have snacks.

Patrice starts to leave, then turns back.

PATRICE
Hey, Hitch.

HITCHENS
Yes?

PATRICE
You’re right about one thing.

HITCHENS
Only one?

PATRICE
Don’t ruin it.

HITCHENS
Proceed.

PATRICE
People shouldn’t kneel so much. Bad for the soul. And the knees.

Hitchens nods, almost solemn.

HITCHENS
That may be the most humane formulation of atheism I’ve heard.

PATRICE
Yeah, well. Put it in one of your fancy books.

HITCHENS
With citation.

PATRICE
Better.

Patrice exits.

Hitchens sits alone for a moment, smiling into his drink.

The young man nearby gathers courage again.

YOUNG MAN
What was he like?

Hitchens does not look over.

HITCHENS
Dangerous.

A beat.

HITCHENS
In the useful sense.

He drinks.

FADE OUT.

can all be greatly enhanced by the inclusion of butter."

Saw it in a comment and laughed.

I’m sure this has already been shared here but I found it on my run today. Made it hard to run.

An interesting and important essay, I'm sure many of you would appreciate.

I've always enjoyed listening to him speak in various YouTube videos. Today I felt compelled to really listen/read some of his books. I am starting with God is not Great...is this a good starting point?