5 tips from “How to talk to anyone” that can make your conversations 10x better.
I’d always considered myself a fairly good conversationalist, until one day I noticed how people would begin to tune out. Not rudely or explicitly, but i could sense that they were now elsewhere, their answer would get shorter, and they would try to end the conversation or interaction on an abrupt note. I thought that whether you are liked or disliked by people speaks directly about your personality.
Recently I listened to an in-depth discussion on the book "How to Talk to Anyone" by Leil Lowndes on Dialogue: podcasts conversation on books. After listening, I realized that it wasn’t personality at all but a was a set of skills I had never learned.
Here’s what I took away from it:
- People don't remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel, and that mostly happens before you even speak. The book begins with the idea that- your body communicates before you do. We do so much evaluating before someone even utters a word, from simply assessing their body language, eye contact, and the energy they exert upon entering a room, that we can’t help but make a decision about them and the potential of their relationship with us on the spot. the author argues that people decide if they like you and want to talk to you within seconds, based mainly on non-verbal signals. this is to say that the outcome of the conversation is often decided before it begins.
- The way you make eye contact may be wrong. Many people either avoid eye contact because it feels intense or maintain it artificially to appear confident. The book describes a different type of eye contact, one that is warm and sustained and that shows genuine interest rather than just forced attention. It's called "sticky eyes." The idea is to let your gaze linger a bit longer than feels natural, it's supposed to convey that you truly find the person worth looking at, over and above what they offer. This seems to automatically translate into the person feeling seen, and people who feel seen want to continue the conversation.
- Stop trying to be interesting. Start being interested. This is the central tenet of the entire book. We enter conversations thinking about what we will say next, how we can come across, and if we sound cool or smart. However, according to the book, this is an entirely wrong approach to conversations; typically the more engaging people are not actually doing the talking - rather they ask better questions, listen without formulating their next response, and ultimately make the other person feel as if they were the most interesting person in the room, and really genuine curiosity is just about as good as social skills can get.
- Before attempting to change the emotional atmosphere, try to match it first. One practical idea in the book is to align or adjust your energy and mood with the person you're talking to before the conversation matures. Approaching someone who is quiet and reserved with high energy and enthusiasm creates awkwardness instead of connection. The book asks to take something called a "voice sample," which is assessing the emotional state of the person in front of you and meeting them there first. You may modify this gradually later on, but start at that same level.
- Compliments often don't land because they are superficial. Most people compliment appearances or achievements, but these are the glittering things that are easily noticed by nearly all parties. The book argues that the best compliments usually take the form of acknowledging something about the person they value about themselves but don’t get a lot of positive feedback for, like their thought process, judgment, or how they approach a challenge. These kinds of compliments resonate more intimately because they feel like earned and deserved compliments. The person doesn't just feel flattered, but they feel understood, and that is what a good conversation should amount to.
What makes “How to Talk to Anyone” compellingly different is that it does not suggest you become a different person or “fake” confidence you do not have. It simply makes the case that the difference between good socializers and awkward ones is a relatively small set of behaviors we all can actually learn, behaviors that nobody explicitly shares.