guys what do you do when your in a bad bad time like yamu was of yu know leaving earth?, i havent been in the discord and i dont think it would be good for my mental health to go back in it it feels as if i always have to make a mask to be there and not be hated .
>!>!hi, im not due( to be who i was ?) im 18/ almost 19 have adhd with suspetion of aspergers. i havent been online for sometime in this group nor have talked but i have been having a harder then usual time. When i was in the yamu discord i met alot of friends although it started to feel like i had to put on a mask to be liked or not disliked not as in the way of me saying slurs or getting angry or sad or but in the way as im not trully my self and i dont know what that true self is and the discord it was as if it made me have a group of people but as if i was never doing what i wanted to do yet and seemed to stagnate like i was always going in and out of the group and checking messages sending messages but its as if i was clueless and just knew that by being silly people would just leave me be or enjoy maybe. in reality i dont know who i am nor who id be confortable being without having to worry about to say the right thing at the right time so that that person laughs its exosting and i dont know why i keep doing it, putting an act or being a puppet or a social slave. well but i dont think thats why the past weeks have been harder or maybe it has contributed well the thing is i hate my self and i hate the way i was born and i hate my brain why must i not be smart enough why must i have had that fall that made me unable to understand everything yet theres no medical conclusions but "anxiety" why must this continue for more then 2 years , why must my life have been one where i have been delusioned into thinking i might be someone special, oh how i wanted to be special, special enough to do something good. such delusional dreams put in this tiny mind of mine , such elusions made by other people about who i am and what i can do . Yet in this state of confusion the wais 3 test measured 105 yet the stupid neuroceurgeon kept claiming i was above average and that the test would mesure my real abilities independent of my state of confusion. i hate my self because what i need to be is just impossible for me to be , im a stupid bugged and broken artificial inteligence that aspires to have consciousness,im a stupid child that wants to protect theyre father . im nothing i hate my self i hate god for making me like this. this past week was where things took a more negative turn as i was listening to a sad music for sometime and it made me cut my self yah buhu laugh all you want and it wasnt even a good cut it was a small and slow cuz i was afraid that if it had been faster i would have cut a vein or something and would be unable to breath. ahaha but how ironic again world because you made me sure to experience that inability as 2 or 3 days after i was listening to more sad musics and thinking about the qi thing and how i was in and bam i started going in spiral and spiral and i was so fucking sad that for some reason now i actually couldnt breath , i started to scratch my self while crying i tried to rip my jacket off and if that emotion didnt stop i probably would kms if i hadnt snapped out of that transe then i wouldnt have been able to be rushed to the hospital. althought its kind of funny they putted me right close to a " danger of electrocution" p.s yes i couldnt stop looking at it and i did open the box but i wasnt sad nor crying it was just mesmerizing to look at as if i was in transe. well this is my story and right now im back on pill about anxiety and things like that oh who cares well do you have maybe a way or some other way to help or any tips/ideas to counter act this? also splashing cold water does not work for me no matter how cold it is i just cant wake up now im always in this confusion state cant even know where i am nor what im writing right now yet im writing. i actually had ritten a much better version of this text but somehow the draft didnt save and it putted me to other page and i lost it so now i dont know what i missed and if i missed anything from the other first draft!<